Mine

on *:TEXT:!seen*:#CALL-YOUR-GRANDMA--:{
  enable #ns
  msg #CALL-YOUR-GRANDMA-- Begin !Seen.
  msg NickServ info $2
}
#ns on
on *:notice:*:*:{
  if ($nick == nickserv) {
    if (*isn't registered.* iswm $1-) { msg #CALL-YOUR-GRANDMA-- $1- | nsalldone %nschan | return }
    if (*For more verbose information* iswm $1-) { nsalldone #CALL-YOUR-GRANDMA-- | return }
    if (*Last quit message:* iswm $1-) { msg %nschan $1- | nsalldone #CALL-YOUR-GRANDMA-- | return }
    msg #CALL-YOUR-GRANDMA-- $1-
  }
}
on 1:text:!Modigy:#techcast:{
  if (($calc(($ctime - %lastupdatetime)) >= 15) || (!%lastupdatetime)) {
    set %lastupdatetime $ctime
    /msg $chan  That is Chris Riddle! He is a Moderator here on the Call your Grandma Chat.
  }
}
on *:TEXT:!time:#CALL-YOUR-GRANDMA--:{
  /msg $chan #CALL-YOUR-GRANDMA-- It is $time(hh:nn:ss tt) where the Patti is located.
  }
}
on 1:text:!bot:#CALL-YOUR-GRANDMA--:{
  if (($calc(($ctime - %lastupdatetime)) >= 15) || (!%lastupdatetime)) {
    set %lastupdatetime $ctime
    /msg $chan  We currenly only have one bot implemented. Anyone that has the @ symbol is a human other than UstreamBot, which is the Bot.
  }
}
on *:TEXT:!mods:#CALL-YOUR-GRANDMA--:{
  /msg $chan #CALL-YOUR-GRANDMA-- The only mod I know about is Chris Riddle!
  }
}
on *:TEXT:!call:#CALL-YOUR-GRANDMA--:{
  /msg $chan #CALL-YOUR-GRANDMA-- To call Grandma, Pick up your phone, and dial the number in the tickertape.
}