From: Taylor Barlow (foxchik32@gmail.com)
Sent:Thu 2/21/08 11:15 PM
To: David Garrett (mixb14@hotmail.com)
David,
I guess you've been talking to Eric about our "fights". He got on RuneScape before I left for dinner and was talking to me about it; asking to make up with you or whatever. I really don't see how I can explain this in easier terms. I guess you could call my thoughts complex, but I'll try and go the easier route and skip through most details.
I can imagine how I've hurt you. After the bigger incident...well, that was hell for both of us I'm sure. Then me explaining my still ever so existing feelings to you on email, and you confessed back, we both imagined that things would be back to normal. Shortly afterwards, I became the distanced one.
I'm not sure why I'm this way now. I really do not have a clue. I could guess around, but I can't be sure of my reasons. Maybe my mind is doing some weird freaky protection thing from reality, who knows?
Guess One: That I'm not over what you "almost" did. I know you say you wouldn't ever do anything like that, ever. But it's still hard for me to deal with. I couldn't take it if I lost another guy I loved to something like that... And now, taking you out with me, my heart and/or brain is putting a "block" from you. Still loving you from afar when I stay up at night just thinking of what I wish was happening then instead of just sitting on my bed. Thinking of what I wish I had to look forward to in the morning. But somehow when I'm around you the feelings almost vanish and I wish to be distant. Again, protecting from pain.
Guess Two: I'm finally wearing down from the pressure of trying to please everyone else. I'm wearing down from the depression of being away from Hollister, from the depression of not having you anywhere near me and won't ever for a very long time...just..alot. I'm going on "brakedown" mode. Wanting to be away from everyone be alone where no one will find me. Just in places I wish existed and were within my grasp.
Guess Three: I can't stand the pain of loving you when I can't even have you.
You keep asking what you can do to help. But really, I believe there is no solution. Either I am going to continue to feel this way, or I'm going to eventually grow out of it. Despite the feelings I have for you, the questions of how anyone can help simply annoy me; and I have no reason as to why. Despite all the things I wish for and dream night after night, I simply just am annoyed by it.
I could give examples of my feelings from parts of Twilight, New Moon, or Eclipse. But I wouldn't remember the page number to find the wording. I hope this clears up some things - And really, I'm sorry.
Taylor