Stuff

(01:15:45 AM) reinier: what am i telling you that you do not believe me?
(01:16:02 AM) me: i just don't michi is the kind of person
(01:16:05 AM) me: don't think*
(01:16:20 AM) me: i doubt i'll ever be capable of believing that
(01:16:31 AM) me: you always see yourself as the victim
(01:16:34 AM) reinier: kind of person that would do what?
(01:16:37 AM) me: so you leave out things you've done
(01:16:44 AM) reinier: i'm not saying i haven't done anything
(01:16:47 AM) reinier: woah woah woah
(01:16:47 AM) me: that would just say things like that to you without any provocation
(01:16:48 AM) reinier: rewind
(01:17:00 AM) reinier: i never said i didn't do anything wrong
(01:17:05 AM) reinier: i did alot wrong
(01:17:17 AM) me: like what
(01:17:24 AM) reinier: it's between me and her
(01:17:28 AM) reinier: but i did
(01:17:33 AM) reinier: do a lot of stupid, selfish shit
(01:17:43 AM) reinier: a fucking lot
(01:17:57 AM) reinier: i've never once said i did nothing wrong
(01:18:05 AM) reinier: i've probably done more wrong than good
(01:18:29 AM) reinier: and i feel very very very bad abou it
(01:18:29 AM) me: yeah...but you make it seem like she did things in a way that makes her seem like a huge bitch
(01:18:36 AM) reinier: nah
(01:18:40 AM) reinier: i don't think she's a bitch
(01:18:44 AM) reinier: i really care a lot about her
(01:18:53 AM) me: it really doesn't show
(01:19:07 AM) reinier: i try not to think about it
(01:19:22 AM) reinier: i'm just starting to get over the break up
(01:19:46 AM) me: i'll admit that my views are biased, but you SMILED after you saw she was crying and you were being a douche when she wasn't doing anything wrong
(01:19:59 AM) me: i don't know how that's even possible
(01:20:03 AM) me: it's just wrong to me
(01:20:16 AM) reinier: if anything that smile wasn't a "haha i made her cry smile"
(01:20:40 AM) reinier: it was either my "shit grin" or my "omg i can't believe shit is like"
(01:20:50 AM) reinier: shit is like this*
(01:21:02 AM) me: sorry reinier
(01:21:06 AM) me: but i can't believe that
(01:21:10 AM) reinier: very well
(01:21:22 AM) reinier: believe what you want
(01:21:26 AM) reinier: but i told you how i felt
(01:21:57 AM) me: i'll still visit when i go to fau, just not as much
(01:22:02 AM) me: and as long as you're not playing magic
(01:22:12 AM) reinier: why would you visit me if you don't like em?
(01:22:13 AM) reinier: me*
(01:23:11 AM) me: you're a decent person
(01:23:15 AM) me: you can just be a huge douche sometimes
(01:23:21 AM) me: and melodramatic
(01:23:40 AM) me: when you're normal you're awesome
(01:23:46 AM) me: and you've got a good sense of humor and hospitality
(01:23:56 AM) me: but every now and then you do something that's just like >.>
(01:24:14 AM) reinier: least you know why i can't look in the mirror sometimes
(01:24:38 AM) reinier: whenever im a douche or what not
(01:24:40 AM) reinier: i don't do it on purpose
(01:24:42 AM) reinier: i really don't
(01:24:45 AM) reinier: i feel horrible
(01:25:12 AM) me: sigh
(01:25:24 AM) reinier: right now i'm crying; just thinking about the stuff you said
(01:27:00 AM) reinier: but right now
(01:27:06 AM) reinier: i can't worry about it too much
(01:27:17 AM) reinier: i made huge progress today with the psycologist
(01:27:32 AM) reinier: i can't beat myself down right now
(01:27:36 AM) me: man
(01:27:38 AM) me: i'm a douche
(01:27:42 AM) reinier: no your not
(01:27:53 AM) me: i shouldn't have brought it up
(01:28:00 AM) reinier: wow you're not a fucking douche
(01:28:06 AM) reinier: i WANTED you to bring itup
(01:28:10 AM) reinier: i wish MORE and MORE people brought it up
(01:28:13 AM) reinier: like you did
(01:28:44 AM) reinier: communication is important in all friendships
(01:28:49 AM) me: i just wanted to let you know i guess
(01:28:51 AM) reinier: and a lot of people don't tell me stuff
(01:28:58 AM) reinier: i'm glad you told me
(01:29:15 AM) reinier: i'm a bit upset that you don't believe me that i really deep down inside care for michi
(01:29:33 AM) reinier: and the only reason i don't show it around her; or have difficulty showing it to her; or explode at her
(01:30:02 AM) reinier: is because i can't go back to my old feelings

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
(01:30:19 AM) reinier: i still feel a bit bitter from the whole thing
(01:30:26 AM) reinier: it really fucking hurts
(01:30:55 AM) reinier: and for the longest time since her and i broke up; i've just felt so held back by her
(01:31:12 AM) reinier: emotionally; physically; socially; academic
(01:32:00 AM) me: why can't you move on
(01:32:11 AM) me: that attachment isn't helping anyone
(01:32:17 AM) me: and you refuse to try
(01:32:22 AM) me: it's like you enjoy it
(01:32:27 AM) reinier: no man i dont' enjoy it
(01:32:34 AM) me: i said 'it's like'
(01:32:40 AM) reinier: it really is fucking killing me
(01:33:18 AM) reinier: right now
(01:33:29 AM) reinier: i'm sad that things went sour friendship wise
(01:33:35 AM) reinier: she really meant a lot to me
(01:33:38 AM) reinier: but i did it to myself
(01:33:41 AM) reinier: and i really hate myself for that
(01:33:43 AM) reinier: i really do
(01:33:54 AM) reinier: i get really frustrated that it still haunts me to this day
(01:33:58 AM) reinier: that i can't be her friend
(01:34:13 AM) me: you did mess up, just acknowledge that and don't do it again
(01:34:26 AM) reinier: i'm trying not to
(01:34:46 AM) reinier: she meant EVERYTHING to me richard
(01:34:52 AM) reinier: and that was way too much
(01:34:55 AM) reinier: and was bad
(01:34:59 AM) reinier: i was too dependent on her
(01:35:06 AM) reinier: i made her the reason i went to school
(01:35:10 AM) reinier: and did everything else
(01:35:24 AM) reinier: because i was so fucked up and didn't give a shit about myself for god knows what reason
(01:35:35 AM) reinier: that i just said "if i'm not going to do it for myself; i'm going to do it for her"
(01:36:01 AM) reinier: horrible horrible mentality
(01:36:13 AM) me: so stop
(01:36:15 AM) me: or try to stop
(01:36:21 AM) reinier: i dont' do it for her anymore
(01:36:32 AM) me: but you still think about her all the time and it's not healthy at all
(01:36:38 AM) reinier: i don't think about her all the time
(01:36:39 AM) reinier: really
(01:36:41 AM) me: and because of that you can't hold civil conversation
(01:36:59 AM) reinier: if i thought about her all the time
(01:37:07 AM) reinier: i'd be the most saddest piece of shit in the world
(01:37:18 AM) reinier: and i was like that over the summer and last semester
(01:37:43 AM) reinier: but please whatever you do
(01:37:46 AM) reinier: do not think i dislike her
(01:37:50 AM) reinier: or hate her
(01:38:09 AM) reinier: i don't want bad things to happen to her
(01:38:23 AM) reinier: i'd take fucking bullets for her
(01:38:29 AM) reinier: with a smile on my face