Something

alias epenis {
  var %up = $uptime(system,3)
  var %in = $sqrt($calc(0.0005 * %up))
  var %cm = %in * 2.540
  if ((%ePenis.record !isnum) || (%ePenis.record < %up)) {
    set %ePenis.record %up
  }
  var %r.in = $sqrt($calc(0.0005 * %ePenis.record))
  var %r.cm = %r.in * 2.540
  %in = $round(%in,2)
  %cm = $round(%cm,2)
  %r.in = $round(%r.in,2)
  %r.cm = $round(%r.cm,2)
  say Based on the uptime of my $+(Win,$os) box ( $+ $uptime(system,2) $+ ), $&
    my e-Penis is %in inches ( $+ %cm cm) erect! $&
    Largest erection ever was %r.in inches ( $+ %r.cm cm)!
}
on *:exit:{
  if ((%ePenis.record !isnum) || (%ePenis.record < $uptime(system,3))) {
    set %ePenis.record $uptime(system,3)
  }
}