Mamma's Boys
Southern men fall into two basic categories:
The mamma dependent, and the mamma deprived.
I dont care how much they cover themselves up with
big-boy macho talk or New-Age sensitivity,
they are all a product of their mammas.
I cant' emphasize enough how important this is
in picking your man and strategizing his capture.
You MUST identify the nature of his mamma-conflict.
There are two kinds of southern male because
there are two kinds of mammas.
First, you have the mamma who
lays her life down for her children.
Shes your basic martyr who lives for her children,
especially her boys,
and cooks and cleans for them even
when they are forty years old.
Shes the kind of mamma who wipes their boogers and picks up their underwear behind them until the day she dies.
What this type of mamma creates is the classic mamma-smotherd male
- a man who expects you to wait on him, just like his mamma did.
A man who, with the proper training, can be a hearty provider and healthy romantic partner, but who will always be to some degree
on the childish side of maturity.
This is no great sin.
Very few of us, male or female, ever truely reach full maturity. And if you are the type of female who needs a man who needs lots of taking care of, this may be just the type of man for you. But it is important that you recognize what kind of man you are dealing with under the surface, before you use The Southern Rules full strength on him. That way you won't find yourself stuck with the wrong kind of catch.
The handy checklists that follows will help you in identifying the Mamma dependent male, and the Mama deprived male.
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The Mamma-Dependent Male
- Chews with his mouth open because his mamma never had the heart to tell him not to.
- Bites his fingernails and spits them across the room because his mamma never had the heart to tell him not to.
- Is as rigid as a baby in his routines, i.e. has absolute set times when he needs to eat or he turns ugly.
- Has trouble in general rolling with the flow.
- Does not like ambiguity.
- Needs time to stay out playing with his friends.
- Has strong likes and dislikes in food and drink, i.e. your basic meat-and-potatoes man.
- Alcoholic beverage of choice: beer.
- Has powerful regional loyalties to his town, his state, his school, and probably his favorite football team - also to his friends and family.
- Is usually a hard worker.
(Beware the mamma's boy who can't seem to find his calling in life).
- Always does what he says he will do.
- Has a strong belief in honor.
- Tends to be conservative in his political views but tolerant and kind to people as individuals.
- Has strong pride in his masculinity.
- Does not cotten to artistic experiences or events such as the ballet, symphony, or art openings.
Generally speaking, the mamma dependent southern man,
while fully capable of being obnoxious and even intolerable
to the point of boorishness, has a certain basic niceness to him
and a natural generosity that, with the proper encouragement,
can blossom into a lifetime of tender love and caring.
Depending on how mamma-influenced he is,
catching him can be as easy as shooting fish in a barrel.
Now, lets take a look at the counterpart of our mamma's boy, the Mamma deprived man.
This is the male who is a product of an absent mamma.
Why has mamma been absent? Any number of reasons. Classic cases include the mamma who is subject to nervous problems or depression and is, to say the least, in need of rather frequent medication. Your basic swooner or victim of what they used to call the vapors. All of us in the South know the type. If you don't, Just read Faulkner.
It's also possible that mamma was highly repressed. She never fit the nurturer mold yet she was forced into it by traditions of southern culture. She did what was expected of her and was never emotionally available to her son. Or, she may have died young,
when our poor boy was just a babe.
Then you have the wild-woman mamma.
This one didn't even pretend to do what was expected of her. She stayed drunk or gone or crazy or whatever and her little baby boy never did see enough of her.
There an be any number of reasons why mamma neglected her boy.
No doubt she loved him but she never did show it, or know how to show it. As a result, she produced Southern archetypical male number two: the mamma deprived. The one who is constantly attracted to women who are unattainable, just like mamma.
The following checklist will help you to recognize him.
The mamma deprived male
- Is more likely to have lived out of the south at one time or another.
- Is likely to have accomplished, or be striving to accomplish, great things in the world to make up for the fact that his mother neglected him.
- Thrives on ambiguity and the unexpected.
- Rarely appears or calls when he says he will
- Likes to play things by ear and make plans at the last minute.
- Highly romantic when he chooses to be.
- Likes candlelit dinners, sends roses, drinks champagne.
- Knows his wines.
- Has an elegant wardrobe; dresses and grooms well.
- Has impeccable manners.
- Typically has a highly developed sense of culture and good taste.
- Loves beautiful things - enjoys the ballet, symphony, and all things artistic.
- Tends to be liberal in his political views.
- Shows great consideration to strangers but is less than generous with those close to him.
- Needs a lot of time alone.
- May be a fly-fisherman, sculptor, musician, bird watcher, or other solitary sensitive type.
(Warning: Avoid writers and house painters).
- Has eclectic culinary tastes. Likes sushi and other exotic cuisine.
Generally speaking, the mamma deprived southern man has a tendancy to appear caring and even loving on the surface due to his innate natural charm.
Be warned - this man is often extremely self-involved, selfish, inconsiderate, and even downright mean when you scratch the surface. He will be a more difficult catch, and if you marry him, may take a lot of work before he is even in the trainable category of civilized domestic relations.