Incarceration
And in the reaches
of an impossibly timeless paradise
I grope
I handle (say something else)
I poke
The iridescence of sin (i like this so much)
And cast away the possibility
of meeting the confluence.
It evolves to the metaphysical (could be better)
I see my body spiral down
as helpless as an armed warrior (this is nice)
I see my soul float up (float up = could be better)
I am somewhere in between
in limbo
in jeopardy
in solitude.
overall very effective. but could be improved with more darkness and hopelessness.
Pain
bursts afresh
the wound reopens to keep its heart on display
exquisitely happy in its freedom
the flesh revolts indignantly
for it is instinct
to self-preserve.
(these two paras are simply brilliant)
Perversity in this sense is reserved for the perverts
and the fools.
(this is one of your best pieces, but it looks incomplete, develop it more. i like this poem very much.)
Helpless
In the most inaccessible portions of my mind
I reach into those recesses
and find a beast - waiting for me
ready to eat me
swallow me whole
chew on my body parts
(these two paras are nice but could be worded more mystically)
Attempted extinction
fails
I forget how autonomous memory is.
(this para is the only one in this poem to which enough thought has been given)
A threat to my sense of self
my identity
and thus arises a crisis.
(again this is brilliant)
overall all the paragraphs tie in with each other very well. more careful selection of phrases will make it more effective.