After every flight, Qantas pilots fill out a form
called a "gripe sheet," which tells mechanics about
problems with the aircraft. The mechanics correct the
problems; document their repairs on the form, and then
pilots review the gripe sheets before the next flight.
Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of
humor. Here are some actual maintenance complaints
submitted by Qantas' pilots (marked with a P) and the
solutions recorded (marked with an S) by maintenance
engineers.
By the way, Qantas is the only major airline that has
never had an accident....Enjoy!
P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.
-
P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.
-
P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.
-
P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.
-
P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet
per minute descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.
-
P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.
-
P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.
-
P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what they're for.
-
P: IFF inoperative.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.
-
P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.
-
P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.
-
P: Aircraft handles funny.
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be
serious.
-
P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.
-
P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.
And the best one for last...
P. Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds
like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from midget.