I finally got a chance to add another entry to my journal. I've been so busy lately with the flight classes for the students; meeting with various people in various places, and it's just been really hard, especially with my lack of sleep. I must press on though, because any less would not be right.
The main reason I wanted to enter this is because of what happened to my brother, Corinth, yesterday. It's a long and drawn-out story, with lots of possible beginnings, but I'll begin with the early traces of what happened.
In the past few cycles, I've seen less and less of Corinth, partly due to my off-world activity, and partly due to his. However, in the few times I have seen him, there's been even fewer times when I've actually talked with him deeper than the standard "Hello, how are you" bit. When we did have the chance to really talk to each other, Corinth seemed distant, drawn out, sort of strained and unsure. I had asked him if everything was okay, and he always insisted that it was, so I set it aside.
Yesterday, however, I was outside by the falls again, thinking about things and all of the sudden I was drawn out of my meditation by shouts. As I regained my physical senses, I realized that it was Bram calling my name, and that he needed help. He was only a few yards away, so I easily jumped over to him, only to find him and Corinth in the water there, Corinth sinking fast and Bram struggling not to sink with him. Not needing to know any more, I jumped into the water, and with the help of Bram, managed to pull Corinth back up onto land. I closed my eyes and entered the now ritualistic act of healing someone through the Force. However, unlike before, when I tried to find Corinth's being in the Force, there was but a faint glow, a spot darker than the rest of the Force.
I tried to extend my presence in the Force into Corinth's, but I couldn't. It was as if I was being refused, stopped almost, by Corinth himself. It was as if he didn't want to be saved. I shouted at Bram to help me carry Corinth into the medbay, he complied, and we took Corinth and placed him on one of the beds. I suppose Alanya had seen us running by and had come in to see what was going on.
"Master Alkorda, what's wrong?"
"Corinth's hurt. Focus on him, Alanya, channel the Force to him. Bram, you do the same."
"Yes, Master" they both replied. I knelt down and focused again, closing my eyes and again searching the Force. Corinth's light was gone. Completely gone, where the dim glow had been, there was now a dark hole.
CORINTH!
I snapped back into physical space, searching for solutions. I checked Corinth's wrist. Nothing. His neck. Nothing. I think Bram and Alanya were both crying, I'm not sure, everything was such a swirl. The only thing I was sure of was that Corinth wasn't going to leave, and I was going to bring him back.
I threw down my physical self, shedding my physical senses, forcing my mind, my consciousness, into the plane of the Force, rather than the physical one. There was someone standing there, with their back to me. I didn't know who it was, but as soon as that thought entered my mind, the answer came as well. It was somehow the Force. I was seeing the Force as a being. I screamed at it, Bring him back! The figure didn't say anything, but raised a finger and pointed behind me. I turned and saw Corinth's place in the Force again, but it was still that dark hole, that emptiness. Corinth... I poured my will into that spot, and reached out taking the Padawans' will as well, and shoved it into Corinth's presence. Nothing happened, it seemed, but then, barely visible, the darkness became a little less... dark.
Corinth, you're coming back, I'm making you come back. I'll die before you will.
I screamed out as I focused harder, forced harder into that area, but I couldn't change it anymore. I had no idea what else to do, but then I did, it came to me, I don't know where from, but it came to me. I had to enter Corinth's presence.
Shaking, I reached out with my hand and put it into the dark area. My hand withered and faded almost instantly. I couldn't feel my hand, but I could feel a hand. Corinth's hand.... I'm feeling Corinth's hand. I jumped back in shock, my hand reforming as I did. I approached it again, and put my hand in again, the same thing happening. My arm, my other arm, my legs, all of me until all that was left was my mind. I was Corinth, except for his mind, I still had my own mind.
I feel you, Corinth. You're not alive though. Just your body.
I entered wholly into the dark area, and as soon as the last neuron of my brain entered, light flashed! Blinding white light, like something had shattered the sun and sent it's fire all across time and space. A voice pierced through the light, through everything, it screamed "ALKORDA!". I didn't know who it was calling to, me or... who else is there? There's just me. I am Alkorda. I lost sense of myself, but then things split. A fissure ran through my consciousness, and I felt two sides of myself, but I didn't know who they were.
Corinth, you're not going away.
Gabe, I'm gone.
No you're not, take me, you will not leave us.
Gabe, I can't do that.
Kark it Cor, you're NOT leaving!
A pause....
Corinth, answer me!
The fissure completed, and the white light stopped, everything rushed away, was drawn out of me, and I was sent out of Corinth's presence. I was now my own self again, Gabe Alkorda, not just Alkorda. Corinth's area was no longer dark and black, it was pulsating, and increasing in brightness. In a matter of seconds, his presence was equal to the rest of the Force.
You're not back yet, Corinth. Don't stop now.
His presence continued to grow brighter and brighter, until it surpassed the rest of the Force, and was so bright that I couldn't look at it anymore. At that exact moment, my mind was kicked out of the Force and thrown into my physical self, sending me across the room. I hit the floor hard, and tasted blood. I opened my eyes, and saw my tears mixed with my blood streaming down my cheeks. I lifted my head and looked over at Corinth's body. I managed to get up on my feet and stumbled over to Corinth. I collapsed at his side, and saw that he was breathing. His chest was rising and falling steadily now, he was alive.
I reached up with my hand to wipe away something, and when I looked at what I had wiped off, I realized that it was my blood and tears. I was still struggling to maintain consciousness, and I believe Bram hugged me. People were shouting things everywhere, it was all swirling around, none of it making any sense. I told myself to just... smile.
As I slowly regained my senses, I realized that something was different with Corinth. He was glowing, not only in the Force realm, but in the physical one. His body was surrounding by an amazingly strong Force aura, stronger than I've ever seen before. I believe I stated this out loud, as Bram asked if he was going to be a stronger Jedi now.
"No," I said "He's just... The Force is with him. Or he is with the Force. I can't tell the two apart easily. He's going to be okay, I know that... Just let him rest."
Sleep, brother.
I looked at Corinth, then at Bram, Alanya, Aros... And slowly left the room. I managed to make it up to my room, and collapsed on my bed, immediately drifting to sleep.