We love in our sin and sin in our love.
Category: Life
We met each other 6 odd years ago.At that time I was completely lost while looking for answers and trying to gain my understanding of the enigmatic character of being. When i saw your pain, it left me breathless since it was the most human thing that i ever saw. I instantly fell for you. You were so willful, always had that strong desire to be not anything else or anybody else but only you and and I found your will to be beauty to my way of seeing things.
God, how weird it was to feel that close to you and you were so far away, on the other side of the planet. There were times i thought i just dreamed of you or you were just an inner voice to me but you weren't. You were my compass in my quest for truth. We were born into different continents, cultures and learned to express ourselves with different languages but our passion for reaching to true clarity, hunger for experience and desire for darkness brought us together.
You know i have been a faithless being since the beginning… there weren't many things touched me , made me feel.. no feeling, no life.. no life no death... grey empty nothingness and unhappy because we would love to taste and touch anything other than feel this void. But you were different, you had the ability of seeing me for who i am so i wasn't afraid of opening up to you despite the fact i was aware when we let others see our sufferings, we open ourselves to them, and then we can be close to them or victims of them, by choice of the other person's actions.
Anyway when you and i finally got together, i was madly in love with you. Little i knew then the interaction between our self-destructive forces would be our downfall. You know when you are young and innocent, it is easy to convince yourself that love can fix everything even though there is that voice warning you in the back of your mind. And I loved you, to be honest i loved you more than even i loved myself. Do you know when i felt closest to you myself? After way too much coffee, after far too many cigarettes, and with too many hours of being awake sharing thoughts, talking about everything and nothing by trying to reach to eternity. Then you got sick, very sick and i said to myself if anything were to happen to you, if i were to lose you to the other side, i would just go underworld and seduce Hades to bring you back.
Well, I dont remember exactly why and when all this relationship turned to a power struggle. Perhaps it is because we both were too headstrong. When we disagreed on something, you would never back down and ah, no i wouldn't either. You made me witness to your darkness and when i found out how deep and far it went, it was too late. I was drawn to it but also i was so afraid of not being able to come back from those explorations as a moral person.
Actually you know my little evil at the end of the day no one breaks our heart... no one can do that to us... it is the price for caring, and without caring there is no love... it is simple... we can not care, and our heart is safe, but how dull and lonely would life be. But still when we fell apart, it broke my heart , it is like something in me died forever, and after a year (God knows how much i hate anniversaries since they mostly remind me of my losses), I miss you more than anything and anybody
I cant help but wonder whether you are still angry in your lifeless place or finally calmed down, found some peace and happiness. Perhaps these are the questions i wont yet to get answers.