Someone

abstract class Ass
{
	// singleton
	static private $instances = array(); // assoc array with one single instance for every class
	static public function getInstance()
	{
		$c = get_class(); // I'm desparate for $c to be "Hole"
		
		if(!isset(self::$instances[$c])) {
			self::$instances[$c] = new $c();
		}
		return self::$instances[$c];
	}
}

class Hole extends Ass
{
}

$asshole = Hole::getInstance();