-----Numbah Juan:
I don't know if you feel the same hidden tension, but even if otherwise, I'm sorry for everything negative I've ever imposed upon you in the past, my friend. I have not ever hated you or this staff behind your guys' backs—I guess I just go about my work in a rather odd, different way. If there is absolutely anything you would like to know at all (aside, from, of course, stuff that I just don't have the answer to, heh), please do not hesitate in immediately asking.
- Keron Cyst
-----Risponde:
No need to apologize for anything, sir. We've always been seemingly at-odds, but I assure you, it's nothing more than a superficial rivalry. I've never harboured any ill-will agianst you (Although you keeping your true identity hidden has always baffled me, despite us having known since early this year). You may be eccentric, but it's a part of why we love you as our Head Admin. In fact, you being head Admin (As opposed to myself or LV, or anyone else for that matter) is required now. Without you here, this community wouldn't be running at all. When something comes up, you're the voice of reason - And as much as I pride myself on logic and dictation of reason, I tend to voluntarily lapse into irrationalist actions quite frequently - And you keep the rest of us in-line. I could go on, but I have Hell of homework to do, and I've got to be at work... mmm... 19 minutes ago. tongue.gif
So, what prompted this?
-Matt
-----His Retort:
Man, I should've anticipated that. Of course such an analytical guy like you would ask that!... Nothing did, actually, unless you consider Keron Cyst's weird selective memory upon such abstract matters as this.
And... a very recent event, one of the biggest in my life...
Say... although you've been quite inactive (comparatively, heh) during recent times, do you really still think that? Why do you refer specifically to times right now?—are you referencing my rebuking you and Dave in bypassing the bias in that last guy's ridiculous thread, or what? Have I really continued to play such a massive role in the past few months as I have over the years?
It would be idiotic and arrogant to assume that you are one of the countable # of readers of my blog, but I initially did not want to bother you during your studies and so I didn't mention much of this: as you know, I am an aspiring concert pianist. Exactly just a week ago I returned from a two-week trip to Jakarta, Indonesia (I wish I could say "two-year!" It was absolutely excellent), to perform J.S. Bach's 1st Piano Concerto (the greatest of all of his concertos, judging from my listening to some others; I believe even a guy like you would enjoy listening to it if you have the time, as hardened a viewpoint as Baroque music may have instilled upon some) with my aunt's string chamber orchestra in the program Simply Bach. There I met THE kindest, most wonderful people I have EVER known; they were by far the greatest 13 days of my relatively short 17-year life.
But that is called a "digression," so my main point is this: that Concerto is one of the most difficult I have ever performed, and was hardly up-to-par when I first arrived in Jakarta (although it was excellent by the time of the performance). Furthermore, on that day, believe it or not... a harpsichord player who was supposed to perform couldn't, because his father suffered a life-threatening stroke that morning. So I had to fill in for his part with 12 minutes of alternative music, and thus I went with my best other pieces (brilliant works by Liszt & Rachmaninoff). Even though I hadn't practiced one of those pieces in weeks, and the other in months, they were, pathetically, the best I had (at a J.S. Bach concert, haha; I didn't even have any other Bach up my sleeves so I had to perform Romantic works). There were a hundred different areas in those pieces (particularly the Rachmaninoff) where I came insanely close to blundering horrifically—I mean in making such a major mistake that I would have had to repeat a bar in the music, thus throwing off the rhythm and allowing even the non-musicians in the audience detect my error. I didn't make any of said problems, miraculously, so the concert was a blast and a huge success, but this journey has shown me how important it is to practice every day as if a performance for such pieces was tomorrow, to keep as many works up to expert performance-level at any time, for such emergencies as this.
So, again, as I stated above, I am an aspiring concert pianist. I am honestly not trying to be arrogant or pretending to have higher ambitions than you ever did, or anything like that, but I feel that, thanks to this strange musical talent, our ranking of how important this community is, as awesome as it is, in our list of priorities over the extreme long run may differ slightly metanet/;-).gif (as I now fully realize, through Simply Bach). Of course I will stick around if I am direly needed here, but if you guys can manage... I hope you will not be too disappointed in a severe drop in attendance (not permanent, but quite exponential). I believe I will have failed to actualize my utmost potential in life (God's plan for me, if you will) if I let this go for anything less.
...
In fact, I am sure it is what you would want. (But of course, not without your knowledge, hence this PM)
- Joshua Chandra
-----Another reply from me:
Oh, I didn't mean that your being head admin is required now, I mean, that after the forming months of the forum (Where we were all new to this sort of thing), our places here have been relatively cemented. You're the voice of reason in an otherwise clique-ish system - You bring the much-needed professionalism here that we need - And while I don't doubt that LV or I can pull off an equal level of professionalism, he and I both have a history with "the guys" here - Dave and Alex and Constantine and Tim and Linus and the whole crew are more friends than co-workers. These are the guys who I plan on spending money and time to go see - I was going to fly down to Melbourne to hang out with KA and Kashkin and krusch before I figured out that the plane tickets would run close to $3000 (We were going to call it the Four-K conference). I mean, these are guys that I've spent every single night for the past two years talking to (Both on IRC and Ventrilo), and I've gotten to know them all on a very intimate level. And as much as I've desperately wanted you to join the gang, I think that the dynamic that we have here is necessary - You're our patron, and when we act out (Particularly Dave), you're the one to reel us back in. You're the guy who doesn't think the same way as the rest - You don't have the same approach as LV or I, and you don't have the same "way-too-liberal-for-your-own-good" mindset that Dave and KA share. You've always looked out for the good of the forum and only the good of the forum, where the rest of us have all had at least some agenda in gaining our positions here - You've just been in it to be in it, and the type of Admin that you represent is one that I'm not sure I can see the forum going on without; Whether your successor would have to take that role on, or whether you'll have to stay here until you're seventy remains to be seen - But your presence has been the constant here that has acted as the forum's cohesion - And I don't think that's something that can be replaced. Coding and forum knowledge aside (Really, as long as I've Adminned at Forumer, both for myself and for Metanet, I really don't know a whole lot about any of it), you're the thing that holds us together, even if on a very intangible level.
LV and I have been following along with your blog for some time now - Not religiously, mind, but long enough to know about you - And I've got to say, I really like this change in you (If it is indeed a change) - I've heard the words "Keron" and "Female" used in the same sentence this week, and I do enjoy that prospect quite a bit. But more than that, I love that you're finding yourself - I've gone down this road of quiet introspection many many times, and many times, I've taken the "easy road" out - Staying here. I could have been done with school two years ago, but instead, I've decided to push forward here and elsewhere to further this dream of being a game developer or whatever it is I'm trying to accomplish here.
And in doing so, I may be doing the same thing as you - Failing to actualize my potential. So, I would be incredibly selfish if I said I wanted you to stay, and I don't expect you to stay, really - I want you to succeed, above all else - And this place is just some shitty internet forum - You won't be able to put it on a respectable resumé, you might be able to push it through on a game development job somewhere, or use it like I have to get hired at forums elsewhere, but where do you go from there? The only place I really can hope to go is through my own Software Company, or from being here so long that Metanet actually hires me. But seeing you finding your niche in life gives me more enjoyment than anything here ever has. Just to know that this place has in some way helped you to find your way in life - And if being a concert pianist is where you want to be, then go for it and don't look back (Well, occasionally look back, just to make sure we're not drowning. tongue.gif). Anyway, your priorities and my own aren't all that different really - I had a realization that I've been with Gayathri for almost six years now - And she's been yearning to get married for some time now (She'll be 27 in April, now), so my life has just been passing me by while I've been here, so the next four semesters (Including this one) are going to be 18 credit hours in school and full-time work, and I'm glad that I've been able to realize that my place here is just filler - It's not going to get me anything (Although the interviews that I did for The Real N have helped a bunch with my investigative journalism class this semester), but I do it anyway to keep myself young. Anyway, point being, I applaud you for finding your way, and I think that after so long here, we're all kind of finding our way.
Also, I wanted to know if you wanted to help Sendy and I out with something, if you have some spare time. We need some piano compositions (Original compositions would be best). I know you've played Within a Deep Forest (Or, at least I think you have), and I'm sure you've heard of/played Knytt and Knytt stories - Well, Sendy and I are making our own level, and we want it to overshadow everyone else's exponentially (You know me, I can't do anything small), and I really want the project to be something that everyone here at Metanet can take part in (I'm looking to recruit maestro and Bananakid and Sweep and the other musicians from around the community, as well as Noctambulant and Rook, Brenda Harp, Alex Grant, and a number of other musicians that owe me a favour or two). Anyway, long story short, we need music. And particularly after seeing you play, I want music from you.
Anyway, got lots of work. Talk atcha soon.
-Matt
-----His replication:
Dang it, I go to all the courteous trouble of avoiding the subtitling of this forum exactly that ("just an Internet messageboard"), and you step out and bluntly do so. metanet/xD.gif I think that (although my parents really did originally desire I keep as much of myself private as possible—it appears they relaxed years ago since they seem to have realized that I'm just not quite as dumb as your average MySpacer, ha) that could be why I kept myself so concealed, because I was afraid, even terrified of such an attractive, awkward society creeping into and disrupting my piano-centered offline life.
Heh; it still did, in an even worse way than integrating myself with this Internet entity that I created; now, I feel at irreconcilable odds with my own fellow staff members, at least Dave & KinGAleX). I don't know why but I just can't structure a PM correctly to apologize to both of them for all the trouble I caused to them (even though those events are quite old now and they may think nothing of it; I'm just freaking girlish in that sense, haha). It's probably because I seem distant to them, but I just can't bring myself to come to IRC. No matter how awesome people say it is, nearly every time, unless every single one of the in-house chatters are truly 1337 (and I indeed have experienced that in one or two rooms), the conversation occasionally goes vulgar (not just at Metanet, mind you, but IRC in general), and that just completely turns me off. Repeat that over and over again, nearly every single time I come on, and eventually you're going to find me not, heh.
QUOTE (j00)
You've always looked out for the good of the forum and only the good of the forum, where the rest of us have all had at least some agenda in gaining our positions here...
Eh... I'm not too sure about that. metanet/hm.gif
I mean, I guess you are right in the sense that if I were to leave (this is just hypothetical! I think...) I frankly wouldn't mind not being missed by anyone due to hardly having established any deep friendships with anyone here, I wouldn't mind at all if people who, if asked by others about me, noted me as "Oh, he was pretty cool and kind of quirky, I guess" and nothing more, because I know I've done my part as a staff member as best as I could, but it seems like I also stick around for... I dunno, to satisfy myself or something? When you sharply rebuked me those several months ago after that most idiotically ridiculous and flat-out disrespectful statement at the time (the last reference to "Moon-Unit," if you recall), even though I had meant it to be a joke, I just couldn't help but fearfully, uncertainly wonder if I do come here because... like, I'm bored or something. I don't know. I can be a really emotionally unstable person at times (I guess that's what likely happens if you humbly resign to the FACT that you are downright ugly in appearance and therefore adopt a reserved shy, introverted personality with a shell of steel only few can penetrate before freely exhibiting your true, otherwise totally outgoing self, and also therefore a 50-year-old's mentality as a teenager), and I've many more than one time questioned my deserving this position, wondering whether I should demote myself and put my IP on the ban list. I've acted ridiculously and flat-out unreasonably at times, and I still kick myself in the face over such negative ripples I've caused in the community years ago, even though I guess I was still mentally developing at that time; frankly, I think I was just starting to undergo the mental side of adolescent development when I asked Mare about this during late March 2004; I even specifically recall asking a fan from the Stick Soldiers forums who knew the basics of IPB to enable the forum sections to be publicly viewable, because I didn't know how. I honestly had no idea it would grow to such popularity as this, and so I treated the board as that, which is possibly what unknowingly gave me so much disrespect or at least indifference during the first year or two.
But that is called a "digression," again; don't let me take out my emotional whatchamacallit... I can't even recall the exact term... on you. So, back to the topic!
AHH!!! You read that blog post, on composition?! Blast you! It's not... gah... I'm not a composer! ohmy.gif The Indonesians also kept annoyingly bringing that up, like a thorn in the side (although I indeed had been recently pursuing it with a feel of ambition since June). I mean, I really want to be, but I just can't come up with anything. It's ridiculous, really, especially with my hardly having taken any music theory classes whatsoever. It takes (or, took, since I'm specifically referring to that crap "sonata" of mine) me literally days just to come up with the next one or two bars, and even then those moments were probably only for the right hand part—I'm not even halfway done with the piece, and I haven't touched it since August. One thing's for sure: as awesome as it would be, I would not be good for anything WaDF-/Knytt-like; what little music I've worked with does not resemble genius Debussy's or Ravel's Impressionism whatsoever, which is very nearly the general style of said games. Mine is (and I'm really ashamed to declare this, as I myself detest what has emerged from my own mind) more 20th-century, like Kabalevsky or Prokofiev... very hard-hitting, powerfully established, and kind of awkward, not at all ambient or soothing or "in the background."
... well, now that you bring it up (blast you! rolleyes.gif ), I guess the 2nd movement is something more like that (it's quite lyrical really), but I only have the beginning and ending. In fact, for all of the three movements of the sonata I have an amazingly solid beginning and ending, but there is no meat in-between. I'm unable to construct linking melodies or patterns to bridge the two separate ones (start & finish) together. And don't you dare offer any form of help in that; if this piece is anything less than purely Chandra, I would tear it up and discard it, although I'm probably already following the style of Kabalevsky's 3rd Sonata very much, if you would like to take a listen to that; it's even in the same key and general tempo an' crap. It's pathetic, really.
And yes, it was a change. Indonesia has truly put an amazingly powerful, possibly even painful filter into the algae-infested pool of my previously stagnant life. Even as early as the plane trip home exactly a week ago I planned out my resignation thread at the SS forums (which I posted hours without hesitation after I got back). A day after that I sent an e-mail to FliesLikeABrick, the head admin of the Soldat forums, informing him that while I did not particularly care about a demotion, I would exponentially end my staying there 3+ hrs. every day (which I actually have—I kind of surprised myself, seeing how easily I detached from it—probably because the Soldat beta-testing team and its horrific choice of levels to add to the default set repeatedly disgusts me, heh). Naturally it's more difficult to break away from here, heheh, having MADE the raw place, heck!, (and particularly because M&R e-mail every month or four) so I still cling here. Because I've been with the community since its birth I feel as if I shouldn't post anything about resigning, especially now since you say I somehow contribute in a rather enigmatic way, haha, and just wane away gradually, while still keeping in touch with N's brilliant coders.
Speaking of coding, I wish you the best in your pursuits of the gaming industry. Although I've gamed less and less over the past year or so, escapism is excellent given the correct situation, and I hope whatever you make can satisfy people's thirsts for it during such times (not that any of your previous works for N, HoI, etc. haven't metanet/;-).gif). Since you bring it up and I suspect you seem to have a slight desire to know about it, I only know a little bit of HTML, the basic stuff (I took a Web Design course two years ago, and am currently taking Adv. Web Design; if you get a good teacher, the class can be a blast), but it's amazingly simple. I don't peek into JavaScript or any scripts whatsoever (the two you may have noticed in my FileAve archive I merely copied & pasted from Google), since those "if-then statements" appear infinitely baffling to such a simple-minded guy like me—heck, I don't even know CSS, which is supposedly basic—but if you know BBCode, you basically know the beginnings of HTML; the tags just have a few more extensions to them. If you want to know anything about the simple stuff, don't hesitate to ask me.
6 years?! Wow! But I still know a couple who dated for longer than that metanet/xD.gif But hey, at least you -have- someone. That must be so excellent... *sigh
- Josh the hopeless romantic, as you already know
P.S. For some odd reason, perhaps a premonition if I'm correct, heh, it seems to me that you just _might_ want to distribute these PMs among one or more staff members at some point when this is all wrapped up, or even now. I'm perfectly fine with that.
P.S.S. Mwahaha bigger PM than yours metanet/spaz.gif
-----And a second reply from him:
You seem pretty busy all the time... what's it you do again, that flower shop clerk thing or whatnot? You can definitely take your time; I realize that my messages can get really detailed & long and that kinda stuff, so don't worry about not responding immediately.
Oh, and I noticed that you pointed out "Keron" and "girl" being visible on the same webpage, ha... she is, by far, nowhere near the first girl I have cast my horrible eyes upon. rolleyes.gif It's just that I knew there was nothing going for me in any other situations (here, even, kind of), so I guess I might have come across at the forums as immature with respect to such relationships, in discarding them all completely. I don't have bad reason to; I recall ravenously lusting over my first, even during the time of the forum's creation. (Ugh, that was horrible, lol metanet/ugh.gif )
But... there is something different about this one, different from any others I have ever lusted over. By American standards, you could say that over here in the States she would probably be considered mentally underdeveloped (what 13-year-old openly hugs her mother with smile in public? Heh, with an excellent body that looks 16, even, which I think is unnatural for such a young girl), but... I guess it's just that very innocence that binds me so much in thought to her. Although I haven't told anyone this (not even my parents, who know), she actually managed to halt my... masturbation, of every other night or so. I just couldn't envision her! I was (and am; I still haven't ever since I returned from Indo 8 or 9 days ago) literally unable to. Her amazing sincerity due to her very immaturity just struck me that powerfully. She is absolutely marvelous, and there are signs on both sides, tortuously about equal, that argue for or against my pursuing this (one powerfully against being that she probably won't think much of me even after she matures, even though according to her mother herself that she enjoyed my presence very much, at least for the duration of my 13-day stay—my parents told me this just a few hours ago, and it's making a mental slaughter of me).
I'm dying! Argh, but I... I almost love reflecting on it, strangely (not even on her specifically—though that's mentally fun biggrin.gif*—but more like the various points of the dilemma itself, hah), which I can't say was precisely the same for my thoughts on past girls I have looked upon. Gah, blasted masochism.
- Josh
* - not physically. I don't know why, but even though she has an insanely superb physique, I really only picture my interactions with her, or her doing stuff. It's really odd, but I much prefer this unorthodox mindset over any of my past disgusting, animal-like cravings.
-----ME REPLY UGH:
Hey,
Sorry it took me so long to get around to this - Been excruciatingly busy of late. Revitalizing Legacy, working on new projects, school, work, and juggling me relationship is putting a strain on the ol' schedule. Anyway, I had a similar experience at just about the same time as you - She was my first real love (I still think fondly of her), and I refused to envision her when I masturbated. Or I couldn't, I'm not sure which. But it may have just been lust, honestly - I hardly knew anything about her, it was just my perception of the situation that drove me. Might have been that type of "In love with the idea of love for the sake of being in love" thing.
Have you kept in touch with her? Or will you? And don't make any mistake - 13 is a tender age. She will change, and the world will affect her. To what extent, I can't say. I hope she retains that innocence. Because thirteen is a very young girl to be pursuing for any type of serious relationship, whether mutual friends, dating, or lovers. I would simply keep in touch with her for a few years; see how it plays out. LV and I can help with contact, if you'd be willing to partake. It's not a guarantee that we'd find her, but we have yet to fail. tongue.gif
In either case, remind me to regale you of my tale sometime when we're both free - It's an interesting read, to say the least. And I can draw quite a number of eerie comparisons between what I went through and what you went through (And we can throw LV's situation in there too; Our similar stories are what brought us together initially).
Anyway, me being a "relationship specialist" of sorts, feel free to let me know if you need advice. I've been down this road more times than I can count. tongue.gif
Insofar as your parents - That's precisely what keeps you from being the average dumb myspacer. Good parenting. Have I ever told you my theory on that? Eh, for another time. Anyway, it's the idea that they keep us from making mistakes until we're old enough to rationalize as well as we can. I'm rambling, I know, and probably not making a lick of sense. Forgive me.
Anyway, that's really all this place *is*; an internet messageboard. If I had the willpower to break away and do what's right for myself, I would. I really really would. I just can't seem to do so - I want to preserve my youth in whatever form I can now so I can reflect fondly back later (Or perhaps not-so-fondly).
As far away as Dave and KA seem - The differences are hardly irreconcilable. If you could get on Vent and just shoot the shit with us, I'm sure Dave would be impressed (Unless it turns into an McP disaster). Dave is never a difficult guy to talk to, if you know what he's about. That's why I never have a problem with him - We're both on the same level of psychoanalytical thought, and we both know where each other is at, and we leave it at that. I could push his buttons, he could push mine, but we don't, because we have this mutual respect. Not for fear of our buttons being pushed, mind; But rather, we looked each other in the eyes, nodded silently, and went on about our respective times. In fact, any time we would seriously debate with each other, I instead back down, and I feel as though he does the same - Not because I would lose, or he would lose, but because we both know that what we've built - This flimsy "respect" for one another - Is more important than being right. And that's a rare thing to get out of Dave, but the only time that he and I have debated have been very cordial, because we look at each other as pretty exact equals, and we both know where we stand in the world, and I love him for that. He's such an asshole, but for me, when he pushes my buttons, I know exactly how to push right back. And that's our relationship. We just exist, diametrically opposed, but oh-so similar.
Insofar as IRC (And Vent, for that matter), I hate them both. I hate them so so much. I hate everyone who frequents them (With the exception of the #Staff crew - We got to meet Obby's fiancé last week, and even Tsukatu was a perfect gentleman. blink.gif ). I can't stand being in #n, and unless the "old" Vent crew (KA, LV, Dave, Clovic) is on and no one else, I don't enjoy Ventrilo much anymore at all. It's just Sgt. Poptarts and AF throwing your mom jokes back and forth and talking about how "Super Kawaii ^^" their anime shows are, and I just can't stick it out like that.
Most of the time, though, you tend to come in during times of idle activity, or you make the mistake of joining #n (I pretty much refuse to go there; I've given LV and KA free reign over the place [And really, it's theirs anyway, they revolutionized it], just because I can't stand the types of douchebaggery that go down there). And in all honesty, there's nothing to apologize for - I guarantee Dave and KA don't hold any grudges against you, it's just that when you come across, you come across as eccentric - You're too high-brow for them. KA and Dave (In particular) like a guy who will hop on IRC, and unzip his pants, grab a beer, and yell, "Hey, what's the happy-haps?" instead of a "Greetings. tongue.gif" Most of the time that I spend on IRC is spent observing; In fact, most of the time that I spend anywhere is spent observing. I observe mannerisms and body language, and in the instance of Internet shtuffs, I observe behavioural patterns. I act differently around you than I do around LV than I do around Dave than I do around Obby than I do around KA than I do around females (Important distinction there - May go into it later). And I adapt my behaviour to fit. When KA is around, I cuss more. When LV is around, I speak riddles more. When Dave is around, I let loose more. When you're around, I use emotes more and act more eccentric myself.
So, wait, what was the whole disrespectful Moon-Unit fiasco? I don't remember much these days.
And Hell, you're not ugly, brother. I bet you're a lot like I was in high school - Not really into fashion, not overly concerned with what other people think (But wanting their approval, particularly from the women), but what I've found is it's all about confidence. If you take nothing else I say to heart, take that. When I started working with the public, I started to relate to people, because I started being forced into situations where I wouldn't otherwise put myself. But the thing about it - In high school, I didn't ever have a girlfriend (Well, one for a couple days, but I don't know what I was thinking there. I may have just been so excited that an upper-classman asked me out that I didn't even care if she was a horrible person or not), and just as soon as Gayathri and I got together - women started flirting with me.
Now, back up the bus, and take that in perspective. Once I was in a relationship, women started flirting. With ME. Me, of all people. The kid who sat in the corner of the class clad in all-black who glared in hatred at everyone. And women were actually flirting with me. And I don't just mean that they were kinda flirtatious, I got phone numbers from women I hardly knew. Of course that's how it happens - I'm in a relationship, right? But I figured out that being in that relationship gives me this confidence that I didn't have when I was single. My wardrobe didn't change a whole lot (Although in college, I've found a niche - I went from wearing slacks and polo shirts that didn't fit in middle school to all-black in high school, to a very casual "me" style now. I actually found myself looking in men's fashion magazines, and taking note of what other guys around campus were wearing. I didn't emulate them, of course, but I figured out that I was a bit of a prude - I wasn't even making an attempt at fitting in - It had nothing to do with how cool I was, I've always been this persona of "The Blizz," but it's just a matter of making it work for the people that you're talking to. The people that you're hanging around with - One type of humor, one type of speech, one type of thought doesn't go well for everyone. And that's why I change modes depending upon who I'm with, who I'm talking to - And in turn, that's why I'm beloved by everyone. Everyone thinks that I'm the coolest guy in the world because I epitomize their ideal of the coolest guy in the world. In fact, a good example - My classes right now are Introductory Italian, Weather and Climate, Media Writing, and English. In Italian, there's an African-American girl who I hang out with (We have lunch, study together, etc.), and she grew up in a very hip-hop influenced urban culture. I emulate that when I'm around her. The guy that sits to my right works at Abercrombie and Fitch - he wears American Eagle outfitter clothes, he parties, he's a mechanic, used to play football. That type. I emulate him when I'm around him. There's a guy that sits to my left that's the typical dork - Good studyer, enjoys anime and internet stuff - Probably the closest to the "actual" me that you could get. Not really big on fashion, this guy. I emulate him with what little anime knowledge I have, and we chat about internet stuff on occasion. So, there's a girl that sits behind me. Name's Rachel. Absolutely ravishingly gorgeous (And not really her features, either - It's her personality). She reminds me a lot of my first love, but every time we talk, I see this glimmer in her eye, and she always smiles wide when talking to me. And I can't help but smile wide back. When I talk to her, I call her "Honey," and "Sweetie," and touch her arm, and my voice raises a few octaves, and I act bubbly and all that junk (You could say that I have a thing for her, because I kinda do, but not enough to jeopardize my relationship with Gayathri, but I would love to have Rachel as a close friend). Anyway, back to my point - I do this with my customers, I do this with my friends and family, but the only person who I don't do this with is Gayathri, because I never had to. She's kinda underdeveloped for her age (She'll be 27 in April), and she has some issues from childhood, but she sees and knows a part of me that I've never been able to show anyone - Me. And it's not really a conscious effort, it's just that, for the past ten years or so, I've been developing this persona of "The Blizz," and that persona encompasses so many different themes and thoughts and ideologies that I barely know who "I" am anymore. But when I'm with Gayathri, I can just lay there, and not need to say anything. And that's part of why I stick by her, because with anyone else, I fear that I would always be "on" for that person. No idea where I'm going with this, but just info that you might find useful.
Edit: Ah, right. I've always been mentally and psychologically mature for my age. So much so that everyone I've met always called me an "old soul," meaning that I've spent past lives down here, because my mentality has always been that of a 50-year-old. I've never had problems with reading or higher thought, it's just all kinda come to me, and people never understood that. Maybe in 30 years they will.
Gah, talk about Digression. Aaaanyway.
I've questioned my usefulness here and everywhere else, time after time. Particularly after a fiasco, I throw up my arms and wonder why the Hell I do this every day - I practically have to wipe their noses for them (Most of them anyway), but the personal growth that I've obtained here is just tops. I've figured out what I'm capable of (If you don't remember, I put in an application to become Gunbound Classic staff in January, and without anyone having known me whatsoever, they not only hired me on the spot and unanimously, but they bumped me immediately from moderator to Admin, no questions asked, just "Hi, you have the mod spot. Oh, and you have Admin rights to the game and forum and system database. Go nuts." They were ecstatic to have me. When I went in for my first job interview, I never got interviewed. I walked in, my boss looked at me, and shook my hand, asking, "When can you start?" LV and I have a bit of a joke going on that I can put in an application for staff just about anywhere, and not only get a response within 24 hours, but get a "yes" response within 24 hours. But why? Hell if I know. I don't know what it is about me. I don't even know if there *is* anything about me, honestly. I make some horrible judgment calls, and back them with the shakiest of logic, but just because of who I am, people eat it up. Why? Again, I haven't the foggiest. But when I question myself, I fall into these deep ruts (I like to compare these highs and lows that I feel to mountains and valleys - One moment, I'm on top of a mountain, and all of a sudden, I realize that I'm hovering over a valley [All cartoon-like, if you've ever watched the roadrunner/coyote cartoons where the coyote runs off a cliff, and then realizes that he's over a cliff], and quickly fall down), and I *have* ended up dropping my IP into the ban box on a number of occasions (The Chonnymon incident being the most prominent of which), but luckily, I can cycle my IP and unban myself before anyone notices that I've fallen into one of those valleys. Again, not sure what I'm trying to accomplish with that block of text, but I get it too, man.
Anyway, I've had my resignation written up for HoI for about two years now. It's 20-some pages long in Word, and details everything I've done and haven't done there. I still haven't gotten up the guts to post it.
So, on to the composition and piano-playin'. Are those all you're willing to play for me? Because what I would like is something original from you (Something light and flighty and ambient, if you've ever played Knytt or Within a Deep Forest [And I'm almost positive you have]), something that you can put on a resumé and say, "Yeah, I composed that when I was 17." And not just for your sake, but for my own sake and Sendy's sake - You're an unbelievable pianist, and I would love to see what you can do outside of the confines of previously written music. I mean, haven't you ever just jammed on a piano and come up with a cool melody that you've remembered? That's basically all I'm looking for - Some sort of melodies that we can loop for background music - Nothing fancy, just some really unique stuff that you may have been playing around with. And I don't want a Moonlight Sonata Adiago, it can even be something so simple as four notes, played one second apart, over a handful of bars - So long as it sounds good (Quit being a perfectionist! tongue.gif), I'll be more than happy. I'd even take a random smattering of you just screwing around on the piano for an hour, if I could chop it into something rhytmic and cool, y'know?
Anyway, I *would* love to help, but since you insist... *Sigh*, and I don't even want a symphony or a movement, just some cool tunes. It doesn't even have to be anything memorable, I just need an amazing pianist who can do amazing things with his fingers.
And heck, the only reason I can make web sites is because of my copy of Dreamweaver. Without it, I'd have a red page with centered text that says, "Blizzy's Webpage!" I'm the type of guy who can't really do a whole lot. I'm no musician, I'm no web designer, I don't code, I don't sing, I can't dance. I'll never be valedictorian, I'm not even really all that good at relationships. I'm an above-average writer, and I've only traveled a few hundred miles in my life. I will probably be a very mediocre journalist, but what I can do well is people. I know people, I know social interaction theory, and anthropology is the one thing that I can do without thinking. I know people. I know what to do with people. I bring people together. I'm no politician, and I won't cure cancer, but I'll know the guy who will. And for that, I'm pretty content.
-Matt
And another of his:
Hiya,
Wow, you're even more of a psychoanalyst than I am (and that's saying something, lem'me tell ya, ha! metanet/xD.gif). Who are you, heh? I think, then, that why you appeal to so many is that you continue to mold around everyone; now that you bring it up and compare yourself to me (at least in terms of behavioral modification), I used to (I guess I still kind of do, although on not such an exaggerated level at all) morph myself according to who I'm talking to, but such an unstable personality since the age of 10 or so, built on those of others, has ultimately formed an amalgamation of all the others who I constantly tried to cater to, and that, I guess, is who I am today—which is some odd mix of intense formality to the point of strangeness, almost isolation even when offline, riddled with odd bouts of casual fun (like in these PMs, ha), and all of the shades of gray in-between, but always with good intentions in mind, which I can't always sense comes from other people who I clash with. I seem to have stopped catering (as much) to the individual people who I speak to, which makes me that much more appearingly rigid—a plain explanation of your admirable charisma. By now, because of, I assume, the Christian standard (of honesty, patience... such virtues), and even then, my own high levels of expectation, I don't care if people don't click with me personally (as long as it may indeed disturb me backstage, in being shot down whenever I try to find moments to construct blocks of said acquaintances), as long as they don't disrupt others. I don't care much of KA now (that is, in the negative sense of "care," if there is such a form), since there seem to be no more outbursts of him conflicting severely with anyone here, but to me, Dave's behavior can always be lowered a bit. He's almost too radical, and it seems that everywhere he goes, /someone/ is offended in some way, major or minor. You might point fingers at each of the "victimized" and say that they are being too sensitive, or too unnecessarily specific, or whatnot, but if such disruptions keep occasionally recurring over a long period of time, can we still completely neglect the possibility that Dave might be slightly at fault as well regarding all of it? That's really my only beef with him, as otherwise I really do consider him an excellent fellow. You have no idea how many times I have felt really pissed and saddened about being able to encounter him only through negative, clashing paths, such as the current one in the staff section.
I don't think sticking around here is a "liveliness-preservation" thing so much as... blast it all, even I can't pinpoint it, either. metanet/xD.gif But at any rate I'd especially feel horrible just getting up and walking away like that, particularly since my N+ "swag" arrived today (M&R sent it to me for being their faithful admin or something like that, even though I didn't—couldn't submit any maps for SUBLiME). MAN, is that stuff awesome; the shirt is an excellent fit, too. I still feel like I have an obligation here, as much as I want to even right now rush off to practice a Beethoven sonata, permanently. Even you with this attractive advice and these thoughts are keeping me here, darn you! lol.
Indeed, I have never had a two-way relationship, and actually, so far in my life I can only recall a measly -3- girls ever being attracted to me, 1 solely (somehow!) over my physique (I can assure you most likely body over face, mwaha), which is ridiculous and in the manner of what seems to have at least partly inspired Obby's SD thread, whose perspective I mainly support. She spilled it at the end (we met but never conversed during the practicing over 5 months of a musical of a local youth theater program, so there was no chance; she was a high school redhead, and I, a shy, tiny 12-year-old 7th-grader at the time), which I didn't understand at the end—I don't mean to say I didn't know what lust was, but I actually said "What?" incredulously because I was amazed, even at such a young age as mine at the time, that anyone could possibly find me attractive. Ha!
Man, I've a 60-year-old's mentality. metanet/xD.gif But yeah, even now I still find the three moles on my right cheek, and two close to my left ear, revoltingly repulsive (even though only one person in my life who I can recall, during grotesque middle school, has specifically pointed them out in any offensive manner—I can just sense something, I guess), although I keep trying to remind myself that if others cannot look beyond visual appearance and I lose potential friendships/relationships because of it, then I'm really not missing out on anything after all. Hm... I still feel as if it's causing me to miss out on something somehow, but last I recall, the doctor said that they are benign and thus are not covered by insurance if I want a plastic surgeon to take them out. Even me, degenerating to such a worldly, materialistic thought... gah!
Another's lust over me I could sense, although she never told me, and as for the last one, I unknowingly forced it out of. (And, subsequently, she somehow immediately lost her attraction to me afterwards, heh, a similar effect which I myself experienced with my own first after shakily admitting of my own will.) I do believe I have found your said "confidence" in my journey. See, the irony is insanely flagrant if you observe it and infer deep enough. I actually believe I revealed more of who I really am to my half-cousin, her parents, and those Indonesian college-age students I met (all AMAZING people, by the way), than I had to even people as close to me as my own parents and siblings before the trip. I think I felt so hopeless towards the slightest of a relationship that I just behaved as I usually do, which was a completely different take compared to how I have ever tried to approach others who have appealed to me in the past. I openly joked and did not attempt to hide making minor semi-offensive remarks, yet all with benevolence firmly behind it (actually, you've most likely seen this side of me through the forums—I will not make a joke that possibly offends, unless, from my faulty human perception, I see from as many perspectives as I see that it can be taken as possible that it is quite obviously playful banter; this develops the most positive affection among others as possible, which I strongly think must always be an attempt at achieving in one's life). And, ironically, now, because I've shown who I am, I'm -almost- thinking there is a chance at something major, although [to me] it's of infinitesimally low probability (even now I sometimes ridicule myself over trying to pursue this, but I want to return to Jakarta to make sure anyways—even if it "ends" in heartbreak after my second return, I'd still rather endure that monstrous pain than to just give it up right now, and later discover in hindsight that I might have possibly been able to work with something, which would be even more infinitely tormenting).
I have looked into her thinking. I don't know if I told you or someone else (ever since I merged my online and offline lives, I seem to be replacing my former Internet activity—unfortunately, instead of blatantly shredding it as I originally intended—with telling various others of my experience, heh), but she really has an immature mindset of a 10- or 11-year-old. I don't mean to offend and say that in any way she isn't intelligent; in fact, she is the top second student in her class at Jakarta's DIS, Deutsche Internationale Schule (or however it's spelled in German, heh), which alone puts me to shame, being only within the top 60 of my previous, crap public high school. A freakin' 13-year-old, too! But she is hilariously paranoid of the idea of a relationship, so I don't think any sort of "contact" would do anything (I already have her e-mail anyways -- she never responded to—which for sure she has read—the one e-mail I sent her roughly a bit over a week ago, which looks, as I observe NOW since its initial sending, its being disgustingly infatuated as much as it vaguely appears to be surface-concealed, ha! Now that I look at it, I would be surprised if she DIDN'T suspect me, lmao), tho' I do thank you for your willingness to assist, heh. I want to return to Indonesia and possibly add to our friendship next year; I lost a whole day of useful piano-practicing the day before yesterday, just because I was agonizing over how she might paranoically avoid me when (not "if"! When) I return, and because I had no control over managing such a reaction, but I have since yesterday devised all sorts of psychological responses to encounter all the possible reactions she might adopt.* Just to reiterate if I have already mentioned this (probably in this PM itself already, heh), I want to put a year between high school (this year being my last) and university and stay in Jakarta, Indonesia, performing concerts with my half-aunt's string orchestra and debuting myself every few months or so. My half-aunt (who told my mom, who told my dad), who could sense with her 1337 female radar of how I feel towards her amazingly adorable daughter, seems all right with it so far—I'm extremely certain I have already revealed to her my earnest attempts to be godly and sincere, so most likely (I'm adding these guardian corner-smoothing words to account for my flawed human perception of things) she knows that I will not bother her daughter unnecessarily over this, as much as it may torture me myself.
* - I think I should go over them with you, since you seem to be so much a psychology buff. You could help me out this way, ha! Please overlook any initial reaction she could respond with that I might not have thought of. Yeah... two. Here:
• She avoids me, and it is very blatant, at least to me (as in, she tries to even keep out of my eyesight, and much more, immediately leave from one-to-one chit-chats... SUPER-paranoid stuff like that, which I think is not a far cry from what her behavior may actually resemble, considering how much she appeared to loathe said relationships in sharing her undoubtably school-twisted viewpoint with me, haha) -- I would try to find a moment, after some days of testing her persistence to see how long it lasts, to [perhaps somewhat forcefully] bring it up and tell her that I have always found her enamorable ever since the first day that I saw her (which is true; to me she stuck out from all of the other girls, even when I didn't know who she was at first), and that I would ("will"? Dang it, even my own grammar fails me in structure regarding theoretical future, ha) not abruptly change in terms of behavior/personality solely just because she now knows what I think of her.
• She avoids me for a bit, but then gradually observes that I haven't changed at all*, and remains at the "friendship" level or whatever... and... if she... feels that she might, just MIGHT want to... - gah, never mind. I'm being too hopeful. Blasted cold logic-defying emotions. Anyways, yeah, that is really young, indeed. Although I, an impatient youth, hah, am rather adverse to the prospect of lengths of time as long as YEARS (although you could also argue that I'm separated by over 4000 miles of Pacific, unlike your guys' probable cases, heh), you are right in that I should not expect her to mature like that, although I could contribute a tad to that, as well as the first •, by asking "What exactly are you afraid of?", perhaps following it if it is followed on the other side by silence with a forcefully prompting "That I... might...?" question for her to finish, and, assuming she calls forth her deceptively powerful rubber insulation, I would rip it apart with a chainsaw by pointing out, if relationships are really as demonic as she makes them out to be, how her parents could possibly have gotten together, heh, all such explanation being told with calmness and a light, ever-present smile, to attempt to evoke calmness upon her herself. MAN, this is so psychologically profound. Of course, all these PMs I will have to recall within several months, since at the very earliest I won't be returning 'til June. So sadly...
* - this is assuming that I will be able to actually carry this out, on my own part. But I think my willpower can be quite tough, yeah.
As for the music... I feel that I have too many deadlines now for stuff. Being a senior, naturally, applications/auditions to music schools are fastly approaching, and I must also start checking out scholarships left & right, something I should've began months ago. I will happily record a video of myself in action for any of those pieces I posted in the thread, but raw composition is incredibly difficult, 'least for me. It's probably just my being 100% Chinese that I'm so super-critical, hah, but I feel that I'd rather compose nothing at all than compose what I think is crap. metanet/mull2.png
I think I will get some more videos of myself up soon, tho', now that I observe that a certain video-editing software I have had for a while now is capable of trimming videos (so when I record myself at the piano, I don't have to anxiously hit the record button at the start & end of every piece and mess up my concentration; I can just leave the camera running all the time, then split the songs appropriately through the comp.).
- Josh
P.S. I really think these messages are getting wayyyyyyyy too long for Forumer's crap PMs to manage. [ josh.chandra@gmail.com ]
Before you respond, let me inform you of a third bullet I forgot to add:
• If she somehow doesn't suspect me of anything, I would [perhaps struggle, in resisting myself, to] remain as absolutely nothing more than good friends, either until I cave in to myself (which may be very possibly never for the entire duration of my stay), or until I can strongly undoubtably sense that she begins to similarly reciprocate (ha! metanet/;-(2.gif). Of course, a MAJOR, major problem would be my weakened, hopeful, narrow-minded bias possibly deluding myself into obsessively looking for signs over her every action, of whose subconsciousness I'd have to watch out for, and therefore I'd also have to avoid a slow hardening of the heart—the despairing, opposite perspective, that could cause me mental agony in convincing myself that "nothing will ever come of this!"
metanet/hm.gif
But, this then again is the first time in my life that I've ever considered pursuing anything more than a friendship. And, 'course, tho' I'm basing my knowledge from what you alone have said of yourself, I've a pro like you now for assistance biggrin.gif Thanks (now, and most likely in advance)!
- Josh