[02:31] Exophase: You have one woman who adores you. Is that not enough? Geez.
[02:31] *** Auto-response from EligZero: I am currently away from the computer.
[02:32] Exophase: I wonder how you make her feel when you post things like this.
[02:33] EligZero: I wonder why I dont care how what I post makes other's feel :P Probably because it's my blog and I feel I can post whatever it is I want.
[02:34] Exophase: This has nothing to do with that.
[02:34] EligZero: Yes it does
[02:34] EligZero: It's my blog, I'll post what I like :p
[02:35] Exophase: Did something happen?
[02:35] EligZero: Eh, it's a long story.
[02:36] EligZero: A really long story :P
[02:36] Exophase: Do you think I'm wrong to consider you an especially selfish person?
[02:37] EligZero: No, I dont really mind if you consider me terribly selfish, because Im posting the truth. So, whatever you make of me, is fine with me, because it's based on what Im actually feeling day to day. It's okay if you dont like what I post, I dont mind, but I do like posting my honest deepest thoughts, really
[02:37] Exophase: Does it bother you that I didn't give you that money because I think you're so selfish?
[02:38] EligZero: No, not really
[02:38] Exophase: Okay.
[02:38] EligZero: As long as you're honest about it
[02:38] EligZero: And I'm honest about it
[02:38] EligZero: I'm okay with whatevedr
[02:38] Exophase: Is that what you think now...
[02:38] Exophase: That so long as you're open about something it doesn't matter what you say or do?
[02:39] Exophase: It's good for you to be honest, given how arbitrarily dishonest you've been before.
[02:39] Exophase: But is that really enough.
[02:39] Exophase: It's like paying your bills on time every month but only paying half.
[02:39] EligZero: No, but, I've decided I'm just going to be myself. Do what makes me happy, do what comes naturally to me, I'm not going to lie by my actions anymore. If someone want's to judge me, they should judge me on who I truely am. And I've decided to put who I truely am out there for people to decide for themselves. I've decided to be as open and honest about all of my emotions as possible, rather than hiding them. It's not that I'm creating or intentionally being selfish, it's simply that I'm not expressing how I honestly feel in ah honest mannor
[02:40] Exophase: But it's a question about whether or not you have any desire to be less of a selfish person than you are.
[02:40] Exophase: Because if you don't, I can't help but pity you.
[02:40] Exophase: I don't think things will ultimately get an awful lot better for you if you don't care about that.
[02:41] EligZero: At this point, I am trying to be a better person, a less selfish person, but in my blog, whatever I post I dont consider selfish.
[02:41] Exophase: And I don't think you understood what I said.
[02:41] Exophase: I wasn't saying that you should use how something makes others feel as a basis for determining whether or not you should reveal something.
[02:41] Exophase: But what you said is that you didn't care how it made people feel, how something makes her feel.
[02:42] Exophase: You're saying flat out that you don't even care if she feels bad.
[02:42] Exophase: So unless something happened that made you suddenly lose all interest her then I have to wonder what's going on in that mind of yours.
[02:42] EligZero: What I'm trying to say is, you act as though we all have some grand control over our personality and who we are, I dont really believe that. Maybe some of us do, but I think for the majority of my life, I've just been trying to lie about being a better person than I am, rather than being honest and trying to work towards something better. I do care about how I make people feel, but i've made an extreme exception with my blog, first and foremost. Secondly, I need to place less emphesis in my life on how I feel, considering one of my major psychological problems is dependance on other people's opinions and feelings. I need to be more selfish in that way, I let what other people say and feel affect me too much, and so I need to be self sufficient.
[02:43] EligZero: There's a lot more to this than you're making it out to be :P
[02:43] Exophase: No, I don't. I do things that I regret.
[02:43] Exophase: I did something to someone else that I regret.
[02:43] EligZero: It's way more complicated than you can argue one way or the other against in this conversation
[02:43] Exophase: And I didn't want to restrain myself.
[02:43] Exophase: But does that mean I don't care about how that person felt in response?
[02:43] Exophase: Of course I care.
[02:43] Exophase: Everything you say sounds like a regurgitation from therapy.
[02:44] EligZero: This isnt about that, you're over simplifying this entire situation and thusly what you're saying has no real bearing on the reality of the situation
[02:44] Exophase: Which is actually kinda ironic.
[02:44] Exophase: Given that you're stressing how much you need to think for yourself.
[02:44] EligZero: Everything you're saying is rather hypocritical
[02:44] Exophase: Explain.
[02:48] EligZero: First of all, you're not privied to the entirety of the inner workings of my mental disorders, hence, you cannot accurantely judge or be of any sort of critic over my actions with any sort of authority, as you do not understand the full situation that goes into my actions. This isnt some block of code or MZX user you can easily glance over and determine, there's a living human being here who is much more complicated and mentally disturbed than you could possibly imagine. Well, maybe not that extreme, but you make things out to be rather simple. Firstly, you do not take into account any other things which may or may not have gone into what I said concerning my relationship with this girl. Perhapse I do take into account how it's going to make her feel, and she isn't going to mind a bit. You dont know her, and this is a flaw in your intial judgement. From here, you leap into how selfish I am for not thinking of her, but what you do not realize is that you're short sighted for asuming that I am not thinking of her, which nothing could be further from the truth. From there, you go on to practically say you pity me for not bettering myself, based on observation of a livejournal entry, without any thought as to any other factors (Such as my knowing her reaction to my saying such things, or my mental instability). You're entire view point is whole short sighted and judgemental. Rather than confronting me with confusion and questions about my actions, you've jumped straight from reading a single live journal entry into assuming that I'm selfish. Something that, I would appreciate you as my friend giving me a little bit more benifit of the doubt on.
[02:49] Exophase: It'd be a lot easier to talk to you in real time if you said one or two sentences at a time.
[02:49] Exophase: Fine, I'll break it down into sections I can reply to.
[02:49] Exophase: "First of all, you're not privied to the entirety of the inner workings of my mental disorders, hence, you cannot accurantely judge or be of any sort of critic over my actions with any sort of authority, as you do not understand the full situation that goes into my actions. "
[02:49] Exophase: I don't believe that your condition justifies your behavior, no matter what. I don't believe you lack control. And even if you do or not, it doesn't change the reality of what I think you are.
[02:50] Exophase: Maybe you're a victim of your own problems, but that doesn't change the end result.
[02:50] EligZero: Exo, honestly this is bringing me down a little right now, and considering my mental state is already a bit fragile today, I believe I will hold off on this conversation until later. No offense to you or your opinions intended, I just intend to wait a while before resuming this line of discussion
[02:50] Exophase: Okay.
[02:50] Exophase: But just understand this..
[02:50] Exophase: It's never a walk in the park for me.
[02:50] Exophase: No matter how much you think it might be.
[02:50] Exophase: I have my own demons to deal with.
[02:50] Exophase: Every day.
[02:50] EligZero: Understand this, you need to stop assuming things
[02:51] Exophase: I think you're the one who has assumed a lot about my take on things, but okay.
[02:52] Exophase: Oh, and this isn't a single live journal entry.
[02:52] Exophase: It's every fucking thing I've ever seen you say or do.
[02:52] Exophase: But okay!
[02:52] Exophase: Bye now~
[02:53] EligZero: You keep assuming things without ever asking me, something akin to mind reading, I dont really appreciate it. I never said anything was a walk in the park for you or made any reference to anything of the sort. Furthermore, you keep assuming you have some great insight into my feelings, I dont appreciate it and wish you'd back off a little frankly. You're being overly judgemental, without reason or provocation, for no reason inparticular other than your own interest, and I dont appreciate it. Irregardless of how it might be interpretted in the MZX community, this isn't how you treat people you call your friends, and I dont like you treating me like this. I dont say this out of a narrow viewpoint of my own selfish interest, but in that I know that talking to anyone the way that you've choosen to talk to me isnt terribly friendly, and I really dont like it. I understand you do it out of the nature of being Exophase and all, and I dont mind it for that, but I feel a need at this point in our relationship to be honest with you. You're not being a terribly good friend about all this, and I have no quarrels in saying so.
[02:54] Exophase: I thought we were done.
[02:54] Exophase: I'm not interested in being a good friend to you when you've never been a very good friend to me.
[02:54] Exophase: That's pretty much how it is.
[02:54] EligZero: So, you're saying that you dont want to be my friend and are intentionally being a bad friend towards me?
[02:55] Exophase: No, what I'm saying is you irritate me and disappoint me.
[02:55] Exophase: And I've let you known as such.
[02:55] EligZero: Well, you irritate and disappoint me, just to let you know.
[02:55] Exophase: Fine, but you know what...
[02:56] Exophase: I lost my only friend in Bloomington standing up to you and you went right back to obsessing over her, then jumped ship to someone else, and have went on, and on, and on, and on about nothing but yourself.
[02:56] Exophase: When I'm not online, all you could do is complain about me not being there for you.
[02:56] EligZero: I dont see why you're getting so terribly upset over all this
[02:56] Exophase: After you had the nerve to ask me for money for nothing but your sake.
[02:56] Exophase: Not money you need, something you wanted.
[02:56] EligZero: You're the one who is accusing me of being a terrible person
[02:56] EligZero: And yet now
[02:56] Exophase: Something else to take from..
[02:56] EligZero: You've gone and declaired yourself to be the victim here
[02:56] Exophase: And even though I deleted my journal, do you ever contact me and say "are you okay?"
[02:56] Exophase: No
[02:57] EligZero: You're not the victim here, there's no victim here
[02:57] Exophase: You bitch about me not being around for YOU
[02:57] Exophase: That's how it is.
[02:57] Exophase: I don't think I've ever seen you do something for someone else who wasn't in some way supporting your life.
[02:57] Exophase: Just take take take
[02:57] EligZero: How has this suddenly turned into an argument about me not being there for you?
[02:57] Exophase: I don't think you're even reading what I'm saying right now.
[02:58] EligZero: Clearly, Exophase, I can tell that you're skipping between subject and subject here. It would seem you're upset with me about a lot of things, but until you can clear them up to the point where you're not randomly skipping between them, I really feel the need to tell you that you're being rather random and mean for no good reason
[02:58] Exophase: I've been pretty clear.
[02:58] Exophase: This is the culmination of everything.
[02:58] Exophase: It's not random, it's all very related.
[02:59] Exophase: Recent events built on top of a lot of existing things.
[03:00] Exophase: And asking me for money, along with the stream of horrifying LJ posts, have basically been the final straw.
[03:02] EligZero: No you havent been clear, and saything that you have doesn't make it so, Im sorry, but in this situation you haven't been clear in the slightest and, no, not a lot of what you've said has been related. Like you said, it's a culmination of a every, it's not a single topic we're discussing here, you've even just admitted that this is comprised of a lot of different issue's you're choosing to confront me with at the same time. Dont act like you have some sort of higher judgement than I do as to whether or not this conversation is making any sense. You're skipping between angry subject and angry subject, never staying one place long enough to make a coherent argument against anything I've done, and furthermore, you've completely disregarded our friendship in doing so, which is just plain mean, to be quite frank, and I feel certain in saying so that anyone reading this conversation would feel much the same, that you've disregarded our personal friendship to badger me about being selfish, without ever asking me perhapse how I'm doing today, or this evening. And further, you've begun to accuse me of upsetting you, when you were the person who started this whole conversation. Clearly, you are the person not making sense here, not I, and I stand by that, irregardless of whatever else you may have to say.
[03:02] Exophase: How am I not being clear?
[03:02] Exophase: What do you not understand?
[03:02] EligZero: I've already discussed how you havent been clear
[03:03] EligZero: And furthermore, I've already said I'm not in the mood to continue this discussion tonight. And further beyond that, you still havent adressed the issue that you're not being terribly friendly tonight
[03:03] Exophase: Yes I HAVE!
[03:03] Exophase: I'm bringing forth my complaints with you.
[03:04] Exophase: The progression in which they occured.
[03:04] Exophase: What brought me to this point right now.
[03:05] EligZero: That's not a friendly thing, I have no idea how you can say you have been friendly tonight, followed by saying that you've just brought fourth complaints you have about me. Bringing fourth complaints you have about someone is not a friendly thing to do, I'm sorry, but it just isnt.
[03:05] Exophase: If you're going to keep talking about how important it is to be frank with other people then I think you should be capable of handling someone not being especially friendly with you when they're pretty much tired of you on a number of levels.
[03:05] Exophase: I never claimed to have been friendly tonight, but sometimes it's not appropriate to be friendly anymore.
[03:05] EligZero: Oh, a new development, now you're TIRED OF ME on a number of levels, that's a very friendly thing to say.
[03:05] Exophase: Just reiterating what I've already said.
[03:07] EligZero: You keep bringing more and more baggage into this conversation and I just have no intention at this point of really responding to much of it. Not after you've made this little sense this whole time. If' you've not said that you've been terribly friendly tonight, then what in god's name did you mean by "Yes I HAVE!" Did you mean that you have been clear? I never said anything about you being clear to which you would be responding at that point. Specifically, if you want to know how you're not being clear, please explain the meaning of the following things you've said and I quote:
[03:07] EligZero: [00:03] EligZero: I've already discussed how you havent been clear
[00:03] EligZero: And furthermore, I've already said I'm not in the mood to continue this discussion tonight. And further beyond that, you still havent adressed the issue that you're not being terribly friendly tonight
[00:03] Exophase: Yes I HAVE!
[00:03] Exophase: I'm bringing forth my complaints with you.
[00:04] Exophase: The progression in which they occured.
[00:04] Exophase: What brought me to this point right now.
[03:08] Exophase: [03:02] EligZero: I've already discussed how you havent been clear
[03:08] Exophase: I have been clear.
[03:08] Exophase: That's what I was responding to.
[03:10] EligZero: Well, then, in that case you can easily see my confusion in this situation. You've said Yes I HAVE in response to a direct statement, which you have intended the meaning to adress another issue entirely, hence it can be very easy for me to become confused over this entire situation. I could go back and pull out numerous further confusing examples from this conversation, save for the fact that this entire conversation is making me terribly depressed.
[03:11] Exophase: No one's forcing you to continue responding.
[03:11] Exophase: I tried to exit earlier.
[03:14] EligZero: No you didnt, you tried to end this conversation ontop of some sort of argument, saying that you are trying to end a conversation and legitimately trying to bring it to a conclusion is highly different from proclaiming yourself to be correct in your statements and then saying goodbye. That is not how you end a conversation, that is how you inspire more conversation. You're still not trying to end this conversation by bringing up the fact that you "Tried" to "exit" the conversation earlier, which clearly has no affect on the conversation at present, except as an attempt to establish youself as some sort of "good guy" here. But it clearly is not a legimiate attempt to end this conversation. Or if it is, you need to work on your conversation skills. It would be like me after saying all of this simply pronouncing "And now, this conversation is over" clear, this statement is not a conversation ending one. However, giving that I do want to move on, despite the selfishness I am going to take here, I am simply going to end the conversation here and now, for my own sanity's sake. Goodnight.
[03:14] Exophase: Hokay. Goodnight.