Relieved? No. Sad? Yes. Discouraged and heartbroken? Yes. You told me you couldn't see or hear from me Monday and as hard as that was you, that you wanted us to try to stick to that unless I wanted to jump back into a relationship with you. That was very hard to hear and full of ultimatems again like always. Probably almost as hard to hear as some of the things you've heard from me lately, like a knife through the heart. I felt like I was going to throw up. I'm sure to some extent that makes you feel good, getting to finally return the favor. And it seemed to me that that day your hope was lost despite your numerous blog posts about continuing to hold hope. The only way I knew how to deal with you telling me you didn't want me to contact you is to shut you out. Turn off the emotions. Pretend like you don't exist to some extent....walls 10' tall. However, your photos are still on my wall and in my wallet. Your stuff is still laying around my house. I'm constantly reminded and haven't wanted to forget. I haven't boxed everything up, maybe I should. I realize to some extent I've been having my cake and eating it too...don't think for a second I've been "happy" though. Lorissa doesn't even talk about you in our sessions anymore. I guess I've got enough of my own "issues" to discuss that don't involve you or any other guy. I'm recognizing I'm "lilly-padding" as she calls it. Jumping from one safety net to another. Last night was a clear example of that. I am trying to work through it baby steps at a time. Getting out on my own is the first step she keeps telling me over and over. I need to feel empowered. Able to survive on my own, with or without any other guy, otherwise I will always be dependent. I failed at that trial run last night. I just don't know how to deal with the guilt and pain I am causing you. It's not my intention. She says I can't let it bother me. She says the anger and resentment that I have will eventually go away with time. Much easier said than done. It all keeps me up at night.
I figured you'd drive by. I had a sinking feeling when I got your text message at 12:45. Ironically I was supposed to be at Spatz last night as well. It seems our paths always cross which keeps my hope and makes me wonder.
I still think you don't get this whole therapy process. It's not about fixing me and you right now. It's about you fixing you and me fixing me. You are still trying to fix "us" and I'm not entirely sure how much you've really allowed yourself to work on "you" without me being in the mix. I think you are still waiting on me to fix "you" by getting back together. I can't fix "you" as much as I wish I could take the heartache away. I want to hear from you. I want to keep a friendship or atleast continue to keep building one back that I felt like we were starting to do. You don't want that right now, or can't deal with that right now. So I respect your wishes and don't contact. That doesn't mean I never want to hear from you. Believe me, I do. And yes, "Heart of the Matter" should have been taken with the glass half full. But at this point, I'm sure any meanings or anything I can say will not matter. I heard that song and I could picture being the one getting the phone call in a year or two that you've met the girl of your dreams. That makes me very sad.
I really hope you can find happiness, even if that isn't with me right now. I am sorry to be the one causing you so much heartache. I really am. I do still love you, very much. I still have not lost hope, nor do I want to. It's more or less on the back burner at the moment while I work on cooking the main dish. I miss my best friend. It's a very lonely world without one. But I guess it is what it is and you've gotta do what you've gotta do to get yourself through this and if that means no more contact so be it. I wish it didn't have to be this way.
Love,
Jenn