My Response
I had rather hoped to get a chance to speak with you all in a chat room of some sort (be it IRC or some form of Instant Messaging) as it would allow for interchange of typical Q&A such that I could elaborate on any matters that might not be sufficiently spoken of or that I may receive feedback on any particular matters mentioned herein. However, I have been asked, in lieu of such an event (due to conflicting schedules and general lack of time - which is understandable), to make a statement on my behalf. Since each of you are busy individuals, I shall do my best to remain brief, candid, and concise while, at the same time, accurately detailing my plea, if you will, to be allowed to return to MTGSalvation under a probationary status.
Before I do speak about the reasons for which I feel I should be allowed back under a probationary status, I would, however, like to "clear the air" about a particular matter (which I was unable to do in the threads discussing my banning being that I couldn't post).
I did not ask the 'Tingers to have a spam-fest. What I _did_ do is post a thread there in the general vein of "Oh look - they banned me. Let's all laugh at the situation and the fact that the thread about it is a huge drama-fest." It is, admittedly, sad that a few individuals did choose to troll and spam the thread to the malign of, most especially, the staff members who had to delete such posts and ban accounts (I think Lesurgo was the one who primarily had to deal with this matter), and even, perhaps, more-so in that it eventually resulted in the discussion being locked.
Now, to speak about the more current matter, I'll try and be accurate in any statements made, but let it be noted if any details are slightly off that my memory isn't perfect.
As I'm sure all of you know, I was a moderator on this site for nearly a year. During the course of which, I did and said many things that I wish I had not. I was, and I apologize for my language, a completely and total ass - even to some of you. I was an unpleasant person to work with during those months. I was even problematic at times. I think my resignation that December, even had Belgareth not been the poor leader that he was, was probably better for the site than had I remained on the staff. While I do feel I accomplished some great things when i was a staff member, I also caused and took part in a lot of unnecessary dramatics, and even advocated some policy that, now that I reflect upon, was sometimes simply plain idiotic.
After that, for a while, things were calm. No infractions - nothing. Then I picked up one or two infractions that I entirely deserved - no problem, it happens to everyone. About this time, however, a lot of things began to weigh on me in my personal life. Without divulging too much into private matters (after all, they are private for a reason), I found a lot of extra responsibility - monetary, social, emotional all - that I simply wasn't ready for and I couldn't handle. My attitude became absolutely awful. This reflected not just in my daily life, but on-line too. I was very, very bitter about a lot of things - many of which were quite my own fault.
Over the course of several months, with the help of a pair of friends and a teacher I was very close with, I finally began to get my life in order, and the stress began to settle down. However, I still was very stressful, and while I became better at handling it during my daily activities, I also found myself venting to my friends and my teacher less frequently, to the point that I stopped doing so. The Internet, and most particularly MTGSalvation (being my primary haunt), became the sole place where frustration and stress were vented.
We all know what the result of that was - infraction after infraction, a suspension, and finally, a banning. I logged in that day to find an IM from kingcobweb saying nothing more than "Congratulations." I checked the site and found myself to be Banned and a rather lengthy thread in SYM about. Many people argued both that my banning was wrong and that it was right and a very necessary thing.
The latter group was right.
It was a good and necessary thing. It was, eventually, the final wake-up call about how I'd been using the Internet, and MTGSalvation in particular, as a huge release for everything in my life. It didn't sink in at first - but eventually, it did. It had a fairly profound effect - not because of the fact that I'd been banned from an Internet forum, but because I finally became motivated to find a solution to my problems rather than bottling things up and taking it out on people, most of which I don't even know.
But, I was still banned. It's the classic story of "too little, too late".
I'm not going to try and convince anyone here that banning me wasn't a good thing - it made me do something that needed doing for a long time. I'm getting involved in things again and making positive changes in my life, for once. My banning here was the straw that broke the camel's back on a really grave problem in my life.
So why do I deserve to be allowed back? Maybe I don't. I want back - that's for sure. I've been a member of this community for four years now - I've met many people, and watched even more leave the community to pursue other things in their lives. The community - the people who make up this site - are important to me. Many of them I speak to on a daily basis - and even some, I now work with on various other projects.
There's really nothing I [i]could[/i] say to convince those of you who absolutely and entirely oppose me returning under any conditions whatsoever. That's fine - that's your opinion and you're welcome to have it. All I'll ask though, is "why not?" I proposed that I be allowed back under the condition that I be re-banned permanently should I receive a single infraction within a year. While some have said this is draconian (and perhaps they are right), I think it's rather a testament to my simple, blunt honesty in the matter. I absolutely have no doubt in my mind that if allowed back that I would get an infraction within that year. Some of the younger (in terms of tenure on the staff) staff members might not believe me - and why should they when all they've known of me is the abrasive, crude, and savage person I was - but I still have to ask, "why not?" All I'm asking is you take a leap of faith here and let me prove myself with a second chance. If I screw it up, you can plaster a big fat "I was right!" neon sign on your forehead and re-ban me in about 4 clicks over the course of maybe 15 seconds (I should know - I've banned plenty of people before on various fora). What do you have to lose by giving me a second chance? Dignity? Surely not. Face? Nope. The only one standing to lose anything is me.
So please, just give me a little faith in this. You might just be surprised.