FACADE STAGEPLAY
Mon Jul 16 12 39 08 2007
GRACE
Trip, when are you going to get rid of this?
TRIP
What, Grace... this?
(Andrew knocks on the front door.)
(Andrew knocks on the front door.)
GRACE
Yes, you -- (interrupted)
TRIP
Oh, he's here!
GRACE
What?! You told me it'd be an hour from now!
TRIP
No, he's right on time!
GRACE
God... Trip!
(Trip opens the front door.)
TRIP
Andrew!!
TRIP
Hi! It's so great to see you! It's been a while how's it going?
ANDREW
Hi handsome!
TRIP
Yeah, hi!
(ANDREW hugs trip.)
TRIP
Wow, it's really really great to see you.
TRIP
So come on in!
ANDREW
;)
TRIP
Y -- yeah, come in! -- (interrupted)
GRACE
No, no, here we are!
GRACE
Andrew,
GRACE
Hi! How are you? Oh god it's been such a long time!
ANDREW
Hey grace.
GRACE
Aw, ha ha ha!
GRACE
And I have to say, you look great.
GRACE
So come on in, make yourself at home! -- (interrupted)
ANDREW
Wow, trip is hot tonight.
GRACE
Uh...
TRIP
Heh heh, Andrew, seeing you brings back good memories, you know?
(Trip closes the front door.)
GRACE
Yes, it does. H-mmm (happy smile sound) -- (interrupted)
ANDREW
Of what?
TRIP
Oh, well, uh, we've, uh... we've missed you.
TRIP
Whoa I just realized something!
GRACE
What...
TRIP
We have to celebrate! Tonight's a special night!
GRACE
It is?
TRIP
Andrew, remember, it was almost exactly ten years ago, tonight, that you introduced us.
TRIP
Senior year of college!
GRACE
Oh... geez... -- (interrupted)
ANDREW
Oh yeah!
TRIP
Ha ha! So we really want to thank you for years and years of...
GRACE
Pain.
ANDREW
I remember that I loved you!
TRIP
Heh -- (interrupted)
GRACE
Andrew, I think you're flirting with me to get on my good side heh.
ANDREW
No, with Trip.
GRACE
Well... it didn't take long for you two to... bond, or whatever...
ANDREW
Women are ugly.
GRACE
So, Andrew, you can help me understand where I went wrong with my new decorating, ha ha. -- (interrupted)
ANDREW
You don't know???
TRIP
Ah, yes, Andrew, I knew you'd like it. See, Grace?
GRACE
(frustrated sigh)
ANDREW
Trip, Grace... I'm gay.
TRIP
Well hold on, hold on, take a closer look, give it a chance to soak in a little.
ANDREW
No, I'm gay.
GRACE
(frustrated -- (interrupted)
GRACE
Uh, yes, this room is a complete mess, isn't it?
ANDREW
wtf???
TRIP
Well, it's funny how after a full day's work designing magazine ads, Grace finds the time to decorate... and re-decorate...
GRACE
Ha ha, uhh, I guess it's just the artist in me dying to get out.
ANDREW
I AM GAY.
GRACE
Oh, how nice, I've been waiting so long for someone to say that!
TRIP
Wait, what?
GRACE
Trip, our friend has just been refreshingly honest about my decorating, which I really appreciate.
TRIP
Huh... okay, good, that's -- that's good... -- (interrupted)
ANDREW
But... I...
GRACE
Uhh, um, well, I'm really pleased to finally hear someone's honest opinion.
TRIP
Oh, Andrew, take -- (interrupted)
ANDREW
I am gay. I am a homosexual.
TRIP
N -- no, no, come look at this Italy photo!
TRIP
Andrew, Come here, I want you to look at this!
ANDREW
But... WHAT THE FUCK???
TRIP
Ha ha! Oh I think we're going to need some drinks first if we're going to talk about sex.
GRACE
Trip, come on, that's not funny.
TRIP
(little sigh) Some days you're the -- (interrupted)
ANDREW
Oooh, I like orgies.
GRACE
Hey, uh --
GRACE
did you --
ANDREW
With guys.
GRACE
did you pick up -- (interrupted)
TRIP
uh...
ANDREW
Have you met my boyfriend, smort
GRACE
Andrew, come over here and sit on the couch with me.
TRIP
No, hold on. Now, -- (interrupted)
GRACE
Trip, darling, your obsession with that photo of yours is making our friend uncomfortable.
(ANDREW sits on the couch.)
TRIP
(little sigh) Well this trip to Italy was meant to be our second honeymoon.
GRACE
Trip, don't exaggerate... it was just a weekend getaway.
TRIP
uhh...
GRACE
(big sigh)
GRACE
Oh God, -- (interrupted)
ANDREW
Damn, I'm feeling hot.
(ANDREW gets up from the couch.)
TRIP
Y -- yeah, yeah, n - no no no, wait, uh, w - what's wrong, Grace?
GRACE
Listen to us, we're arguing in front of our friend.
TRIP
Grace, come on, it's not helping things for you to say that...
GRACE
Trip, it's okay if we disagree in front of our friend --
TRIP
Disagreeing?! We're NOT disagreeing. We're, we're not.
TRIP
(frustrated sigh) Sheejus. -- (interrupted)
ANDREW
Geez, your reaction is strange.
GRACE
You don't agree? Okay, well...
ANDREW
Most people freak out when they...
TRIP
Okay, well, I was worried there for a bit you were on Grace's side tonight, heh heh, heh.
TRIP
You know what? It's about time...
TRIP
I fix us some drinks!
GRACE
Pssh... I knew that was coming, heh.
TRIP
When it comes to drinking, I -- I generally -- (interrupted)
ANDREW
OK hottie.
ANDREW
Can I have a sangria?
TRIP
So... drinks...
TRIP
This is great... For us I'm going to open an amazing, I mean, exquisite Bordeaux.
ANDREW
Sangria
TRIP
W -- well, uh, I'm going to open an exquisite Bordeaux! -- (interrupted)
TRIP
Best of the best, you can't buy this in stores... Very, very special --
GRACE
God Trip, you're just like my dad with the whole wine snob thing.
TRIP
I'll take that as a compliment. -- (interrupted)
ANDREW
Let's have fermented cow urine.
TRIP
I'm going to get rid of it! I'm going to get rid of it! Everybody, get off my back already! (frustrated sigh)
ANDREW
Let's have cosmo's
TRIP
So... how does a Bordeaux -- (interrupted)
TRIP
No no I really think we should have this wine, trust me, trust me!
GRACE
Andrew, maybe you'd like just a simple glass of white wine?
ANDREW
Cosmopolitan
TRIP
Yeah, no, we need to open this wine! Our friend is here, we're going to enjoy ourselves, that's all there is to it!
GRACE
(frustrated sigh)
TRIP
I've been dying to try this Bordeaux for a long time, this is the perfect opportunity --
ANDREW
WHAT THE FUCK
GRACE
That's not our anniversary wine is it?
GRACE
That's not the Bordeaux we saved from our wedding, that we were going to drink on our tenth wedding anniversary, RIGHT?!
TRIP
Whoops.
TRIP
Uhh, you're driving me insane!
TRIP
Goddamn anniversary wine...
TRIP
Grace, I do one little thing wrong, and you're cold and distant! Just one thing wrong, that's all it takes!
GRACE
(impatient sigh) -- (interrupted)
ANDREW
I WANT TO HUMP YOU TRIP
GRACE
What? What are you saying to me?
GRACE
Our anniversary wine!
GRACE
Sometimes I feel like our whole marriage is just for show! I don't know what you really feel!
TRIP
Oh, god...!
GRACE
Okay, you know what, Andrew,
GRACE
I need to ask you something.
(ANDREW picks up the red wine bottle.)
(ANDREW puts down the red wine bottle.)
TRIP
Grace --
(ANDREW picks up the white wine bottle.)
GRACE
Trip, let me ask our guest a question.
ANDREW
THIS IS THE WINE, RIGHT?
GRACE
Andrew, yes or no...
GRACE
In a marriage, shouldn't you try to help the other person get what they want?
TRIP
What?
ANDREW
glug, glug, glug, glug.
GRACE
Look, don't bother answering, I don't need to hear it!
(ANDREW puts down the white wine bottle.)
GRACE
You keep trying to tell me you love me, Trip, that you're so romantic, but I know you're hiding something from me, goddammit!
ANDREW
I LIKE WINEZ
TRIP
Oh, come on...!
TRIP
Yeah, go on, get out of my face!
(ANDREW kisses trip.)
TRIP
I can't stand frigging looking at you!
TRIP
What the... goddammit!
ANDREW
Trip, do you love me?
TRIP
Hold on, wait, what, y -- you're trying to explain this to me?
GRACE
What, I can't hear you, are you talking to me?
TRIP
I was not talking to you!
(ANDREW kisses trip.)
TRIP
Uhh, no, uhh... don't -- don't do that!
GRACE
What, Trip? Are you trying to talk to me?
TRIP
No!
ANDREW
Trip, I love you.
TRIP
Andrew, I can't believe this is happening...!
(ANDREW sits on the couch.)
(ANDREW gets up from the couch.)
TRIP
uhh...
ANDREW
You're as good as smort.
GRACE
Andrew, (annoyed sigh) Trip is sometimes so...
TRIP
Oh ho, so we're talking about me, are we?
GRACE
What?
ANDREW
I wuv my smortypoos.
GRACE
Trip, it's your fault -- ten years ago, freshly married and just out of college, -- (interrupted)
ANDREW
HOLY FUCK
GRACE
Sex, sex, sex, why is sex such a big deal?
TRIP
What?
GRACE
Why do people always talk about it so much, when it just makes so many people so unhappy?
TRIP
Uhh! What... I...
ANDREW
YOU JuST walked throught the ba
GRACE
No, look, I'm just saying... sex seems like it's more trouble than it's worth.
TRIP
Oh God, this is so depressing...
GRACE
It does!
ANDREW
WHAT???!?!?!?
TRIP
Uhh...
TRIP
Oh my God... I cannot frigging believe this... uhh...
TRIP
Uhh...
(ANDREW hugs trip.)
TRIP
No, uhh... Andrew, what I need is to figure out what hell is going here...
ANDREW
Trip, I love you.
TRIP
Look, just quit the flirting right now, I'm warning you!
ANDREW
I'm cheating on you.
GRACE
Let's continue focusing on Trip.
GRACE
Andrew, it's time that Trip finally just admits that our marriage --
TRIP
Grace, don't, no, you don't need to --
GRACE
Admits that our marriage is not --
TRIP
Stop it, stop it! (annoyed sigh)
ANDREW
Grace.
GRACE
Uhh...! God...!
ANDREW
Tell the truth.
TRIP
Okay, no, I want to focus on Grace.
GRACE
You know, Trip, whenever I really try to talk honestly about things, you... -- (interrupted)
ANDREW
You're cheating on Trip.
TRIP
Aha!
GRACE
Oh God...
TRIP
What is...? This is making no sense...
ANDREW
You are Grace.
TRIP
What? What is this? I'm confused.
GRACE
No, no no no no no, our -- our 'friend' is just trying to... to confuse me or something... -- (interrupted)
ANDREW
I know you are.
TRIP
Let's keep talking about Grace.
GRACE
See, Andrew, I... uhh... I've been very lonely.
ANDREW
Grace is cheating on you Trip.
ANDREW
Trip, listen to her.
GRACE
Ah!
TRIP
Andrew, you're saying I don't... communicate?
TRIP
No, wait a minute, I reach out to Grace, I really do...! -- (interrupted)
ANDREW
I love you Trip.
TRIP
You know what, Andrew, that's it, you need to leave.
TRIP
We invited you over, but this is just not working out.
ANDREW
Grace is cheating on you.
(Trip opens the front door.)
TRIP
We'll be fine -- just go.
(Trip closes the front door.)
ANDREW
SMORT, HELP MEEEEEEEEE