Someone

on *:NOTICE:*NickServ id*:*:{
  if ($nick == NickServ) {
    if ($+(%,NS.,$network)) { .ns IDENTIFY $($+(%,NS.,$network),2) }
  }
}

on 1:join:#: if ($nick != $me) { /notice $nick Hi $nick $+ , welcome to $chan $+ . } 


on 1:text:asl*:#: /msg $chan I have no age, sex or location. I am a bot. 


on 1:text:asl*:?: /msg $nick I have no age, sex or location. I am a bot.


on 1:text:@spin:#: /describe $chan spins the bottle and it lands on $nick(#,$rand(1,$nick(#,0)))


on 1:text:!uptime:#: /msg $chan Uptime for $me $+ : $duration($int($calc($ticks / 1000))) 


on 1:text:!time:#: /msg $chan Look at your watch you lazy git!! | /msg $chan Just kidding :P~ | /msg $chan The Time is $asctime(h:nn tt) (AEST).

on 1:text:!date:#: /msg $chan The date is $asctime(dd mmmm yyyy) $+ .

on 3:TEXT:@deop*:#: {
  if ($me isop $chan) {
    if ($2 == $null) {
    }
    else {
    }
  }
}
on 3:TEXT:@op*:#: {
  if ($me isop $chan) {
    if ($2 == $null) {
    }
    else {
    }
  }
}
on 2:TEXT:@devoice*:#: {
  if ($me isop $chan) {
    if ($2 == $null) {
    }
    else {
    }
  }
}
on 2:TEXT:@voice*:#: {
  if ($me isop $chan) {
    if ($2 == $null) {
    }
    else {
    }
  }

  on 3:TEXT:@ban*:#: {
    if ($me isop $chan) {
      if ($2 == $null) {
      }
      else {
      }
    }
  }
  on 3:TEXT:@kick*:#: {
    if ($me isop $chan) {
      if ($2 == $null) {
      }
      else {
      }
    }
  }


  on 1:text:fed*:#: /msg $chan How did you know I was a fed?
  on 1:text:Infant*:#: /msg $chan WHAT?! WHAT DO YOU WANT?! >:-|
  on 1:text:Sleep*:#: /msg $chan WHAT?! GO TO SLEEP THEN $nick >:-|
  on 1:text:hacker*:#: /msg $chan $nick "Being able to break security doesnt make you a hacker anymore than being able to hotwire cars makes you an automotive engineer." - Eric S. Raymond 
  on 1:text:Hello*:#: /msg $chan Shut up $nick now!! No one wants you here >:-|
  on 1:text:rofl*:#: /msg $chan Stop laughing
  on 1:text:lol*:#: /describe $chan Pees on $nick  >:-|
  on 1:text:@kill:#: /describe $chan Throws a knife and kills $nick(#,$rand(1,$nick(#,0)))
  on 1:text:@dance:#: /describe $chan Puts on some shoes and dances with $nick(#,$rand(1,$nick(#,0)))