Hi there,
I know that you told me not to contact you for at least a week and up to a month, and it has
only been a couple of days. Sorry :/ I guess that I have been trying to figure out exactly
what happened and where I stand, because it is still tough, and increasingly I wonder if
maybe I reacted to soon, allowing the fears that I invariably have at times like these to
overcome me.
I find that it is good for me to talk out things like this with myself (I am literally
talking and dictating this right now, so if it sounds funny, it is because the program is
misunderstanding what I'm saying and I am too lazy to correct it).
On Saturday, when you came back into the room and told me that your roommate was having a
crisis and that you had to leave a day early, in some ways I knew immediately that this
wasn't really true, and that for whatever reason you wanted to get away from me, after both
of us had been looking forward to spending time together. I guess what happened then was
that all my fears that had been bubbling beneath the surface, the fears that you were not
really as serious about what was happening as I was, and that at any time in the near future
you would, much like what you told me you were afraid of with me, decide that it simply
wasn't worth the effort, or maybe you would just move on. these fears came up, and since
things had been moving at such a super fast pace between us, I totally freaked out and pulled
away and said the things that I did about all the reservations I had.
Since then, it has been so difficult, in some ways more difficult than I can remember it ever
being with other people, trying to detach and disconnect and forget all of these amazing
things that happened to us in such a short time. I still see all these very valid reasons
why it will never work between us in the long term.... on the other hand I had the same
feelings before going out with my last girlfriend, and the relationship we had, even though
it ended, it was something I would never trade for anything, all the hardships that came
along with that included... and ultimately it was a good thing overall. So there is a part
of me that thinks, "stop being a chicken, and at least give it a shot with her."
I guess this is why I am writing this right now. Maybe you feel the same, and maybe you
don't want to give up on us quite yet. Or maybe you are so conflicted and scared that you
would rather just ignore this message and not respond to me, which I would understand and not
hold against you, tough as it would be to hear, just because there are parts inside myself
that feel the same way.
Leading up to us falling for each other, I remember thinking how consciously I was telling
myself not to get too involved with you. At the beginning I remember thinking how I thought
you were a cool person, and maybe we could become 'friends with benefits' and it's not, at
least I had someone who was cool that I could chat with on IRC who I actually knew in real
life. Then things started to happen after we met that first weekend..... I'm not kidding
when I say it is rare for me to feel comfortable of someone like that like I did with you,
and the way it all happened was so magical.
Sigh, I don't know, now I'm thinking of deleting all this, forgetting about it completely, I
don't want to make things more difficult for you, and probably you reading this will make
things more difficult for you, especially if you are thinking that you just want to forget
about me because it won't work and it is too painful. :/ it is okay if this is the case for you.... I know that I won't like to hear it in a lot of ways, but don't feel like you have to protect me, I will be okay and I will survive..... and what I don't want to happen most of all is for you to feel guilty or bad thinking that I am fucked up cuz of this.
I guess ultimately what I realize is that I still care for you lot, and I don't want to just let go without giving it a real shot, but I'm not sure if that is even possible, and even if it is, there are so many things that stand in the way, but isn't that usually the case?