On The Morrow
This is arguably one of the most powerful songs i've grown up with. Around this time of the year is when shit always seemed to be going down, and my "family" fed me with the strength and hope to believe that everything's going to be alright.
I've always described SerenAIDe as a break in our never-ending battles. The thought was inspired by a small text i read in history class somewhere. Eleven years of Social Studies and history, and this is what i remember - in some textbook, some year (i don't even remember which), in a marginal comment, i read that during some trench battle between two european countries, both sides were very tense in a standstill. However, when christmas day came, both countries got out of their trenches, shared drinks, and played a game of soccer. The day after christmas, they went back to their trenches and got ready to shoot off each others heads. I always saw this concert as that break from war. This year, though i continue to support the event with good graces, it was a lot less personal. i can see myself walking a thousand miles to attend this concert every year, but i don't think it will ever be the same to me as it was when i was in high school. It wasn't the same, and it's never going to be the same. It's because of change, obviously. That night, SerenAIDe felt like it was just a reminder that most people's lives are more fucked up, so quit being emo and suck it up. Whatever.
Though, i do give props to our former choir president who stated in his letter that college has been a search for home, an idea that i've played around with a lot. Aside from my slight mental retardation and academic failure, my biggest problem is that i constantly feel lost, which is probably why i've become closer with my parents and made some effort at doing the same with friends. It feels like i don't belong anywhere, which sucks according to the significant or non-existent proclamation. But you know, if that's my biggest problem, well then, i've won a pretty big battle.
All this change has really came to one thing, really: me caring a lot less about everything. When i was young, finding purpose in life was my one and only goal. It was for the majority of my life. Somewhere along the line, i was also convinced that purpose doesn't matter if you have love. Now, every single unanswered question i've had since i was twelve years old still remains unanswered, and quite oddly, i can live with that. I don't really believe in anything, and i can live with that too. Any decisions that i make are backed with reasoning, but lack heart and spirit. But i hate thinking about this bullshit for the same reason that most people do - because it doesn't really amount to anything, and there's really nothing you can do about any of it. This is why `shray' has to end - because i'm older now, and i've moved to another world. My mood right now is: "nothing i say or write here will really have any effect on your life whatsoever." But you know, one advice that's seemed to help me (and spiderman too) is that the first and hardest step towards redemption, is to forgive yourself.
So a whole year of hoping and dreaming, a whole year of believing that tomorrow no more sorrow shall be found in my eyes, a whole year of letting go and jumping in, and as i begin to forgive myself for my wrongs, i wonder how much change i've truly endured. All questions still unanswered, personaly conflicts still at large, still fighting, life still continuing in our boring reality, and i have yet to conquer the world - all that profound blogging doesn't really change anything. Only... it's changed everything.