Subject: George Bush's Suggested Next Speech
We may have questions for the present administration --- Immigration,
U.S. Attorney firings, Iraq, Darfur, etc., are all hot topics these days.
The following proposed "speech" was written by an ordinary "Maine-iac."
While satirical in nature, all satire must have a basis in FACT to be effective.
An excellent piece by a person who does not write for a living.
Sent with the author's permission.
The speech George W. Bush SHOULD give:
Normally, I start these things out by saying "My Fellow Americans..."
Not doing it this time. If the polls are any indication, I just don't know who
more than half of you are anymore. I do know something terrible has happened,
and that you're not really my fellow Americans any longer. I'll cut right to the
chase here: I quit. Now before anyone gets all in a lather about me quitting
to avoid impeachment, or to avoid prosecution or something, let me assure you:
there's been no breaking of laws or impeachable offenses in this office. The reason
I'm quitting is simple. I'm fed up with you people. I'm fed up because you have
no understanding of what's really going on in the world. Or of what's going on
in this once-great nation of ours. And the majority of you are too damned lazy
to do your homework and figure it out. Let's start local. You've been sold a
bill of goods by politicians and the news media. Polls show that the majority of
you think the economy is in the tank, and that's despite record numbers of
homeowners including record numbers of MINORITY homeowners. While we're mentioning
minorities, I'll point out that minority business ownership is at an all-time high.
Our unemployment rate is as low as it ever was during the Clinton Administration.
I've mentioned all those things before, but it doesn't seem to have sunk in.
Despite the shock to our economy of 9/11, the stock market has rebounded to record
levels and more Americans than ever are participating in these markets. Meanwhile,
all you can do is whine about gas prices, and most of you are too damn stupid to
realize that gas prices are high because there's increased demand in other parts
of the world, and because a small handful of noisy idiots are more worried about
polar bears and beach front property than your economic security.
We face real threats in the world. Don't give me this "blood for oil" thing.
If I was trading blood for oil, I would've already seized Iraq's oil fields and
let the rest of the country go to hell, and don't give me this "Bush Lied,
People Died" crap either. If I was the liar you take me for, I could've
easily had chemical weapons planted in Iraq so they could be "discovered."
Instead, I owned up to the fact that the intelligence was faulty. Let me
remind you that the rest of the world thought Saddam had the goods, same as me.
Let me also remind you, regime change in Iraq, was official US policy before I
came into office. Some guy named 'Clinton' established that policy. Bet you
didn't know that, did you? You idiots need to understand that we face a unique
enemy. Back during the cold war, there were two major competing political
and economic models squaring off. We won that war, but we did so because
fundamentally, the Communists wanted to survive, just as we do. We were simply
able to outspend and out-tech them. That's not the case this time.
The soldiers of our new enemy don't care if they survive. In fact, they want to die.
That'd be fine, as long as they weren't also committed to taking as many of you
with them as they can. But they are. They want to kill you, and the bastards are
all over the globe.
You should be grateful that they haven't gotten any more of us here in the United
States since September 11. But you're not. That's because you've got no idea
how hard a small number of intelligence, military, law enforcement and homeland
security people, have worked to make sure of that. When this whole mess started,
I warned you that this would be a long and difficult fight. I'm disappointed how
many of you people think a long and difficult fight amounts to a single season of
"Survivor." Instead, you've grown impatient. You're incapable of seeing things
through the long lens of history, the way our enemies do. You think that wars should
last a few months, a few years, tops. Making matters worse, you actively support
those who help the enemy. Every time you buy the New York Times -- every time
you send a donation to a cut-and-run Democrat's political campaign, well, dammit,
you might just as well FedEx a grenade launcher to a Jihadist. It amounts to the
same thing.
In this day and age, it's easy enough to find the truth. It's all over the Internet.
It just isn't on the pages of the New York Times or on NBC News. Even if it were,
I doubt you'd be any smarter. Most of you would rather watch American Idol.
I could say more about your expectations that the government will always be there
to bail you out, but you're too stupid to leave a city that's below sea level with
a hurricane approaching. I could say more about your insane belief that government,
not your own wallet, is where the money comes from, but I've come to the conclusion
that were I to do so, it would sail right over your heads. So I quit. I'm going back
to Crawford. I've got an energy efficient house down there that Al Gore could only
dream of, and the capability to be fully self-sufficient. No one ever heard of
Crawford before I got elected, and as soon as I'm done here, pretty much no one
will ever hear of it again. Maybe I'll be lucky enough to die of old age before
the last pillars of America fall. Oh, and by the way, Cheney's quitting too.
That means Pelosi is your new President. You asked for it. Watch what she does
carefully, because I still have a glimmer of hope that there are just enough of
you remaining who are smart enough to turn this thing around in 2008. So that's it.
God bless what's left of America. Some of you know what I mean.