Puns
(1) King Ozymandias of Assyria was running low on
cash after years of war with the Hittites. His last great
possession was the Star of the Euphrates , the most
valuable diamond in the ancient world. Desperate, he
went to Croesus, the pawnbroker, to ask for a loan.
Croesus said, "I'll give you 100,000 dinars for it."
"But I paid a million dinars for it," the King protested.
"Don't you know who I am? I am the king!" Croesus
replied, "When you wish to pawn a Star, makes no
difference who you are."
(2) Evidence has been found that William Tell and
his family were avid bowlers. However, all the Swiss
league records were unfortunately destroyed in a fire,
and we'll never know for whom the Tells bowled.
(3) A man rushed into a busy doctor's office and
shouted "Doctor! I think I'm shrinking!!" The doctor
calmly responded, "Now, settle down. You'll
just have to be a little patient."
(4) A marine biologist developed a race of
genetically engineered dolphins that could live forever
if they were fed a steady diet of seagulls. One day, his
supply of the birds ran out so he had to go out
and trap some more. On the way back, he spied two
lions asleep on the road. Afraid to wake them, he
gingerly stepped over them. Immediately, he was
arrested and charged with transporting gulls
across staid lions for immortal porpoises.
(5) Back in the 1800s the Tates Watch Company of
Massachusetts wanted to produce other products and,
since they already made the cases for watches, they
used them to produce compasses. The new compasses
were so bad that people often ended up in Canada or
Mexico rather than California . This, of course, is the
origin of the expression, "He who has a Tates is lost!"
(6) A thief broke into the local police station and
stole all the toilets and urinals, leaving no clues. A
spokesperson was quoted as saying, "We have
absolutely nothing to go on."
(7) An Indian chief was feeling very sick, so he
summoned the medicine man. After a brief examination,
the medicine man took out a long, thin strip of elk rawhide
and gave it to the chief, telling him to bite off, chew, and
swallow one inch of the leather every day.
After a month, the medicine man returned to see how the
chief was feeling. The chief shrugged and said, "The thong is
ended, but the malady lingers on."
(8) A famous Viking explorer returned home from a
voyage and found his name missing from the town register.
His wife insisted on complaining to the local civic official
who apologized profusely saying, "I must have
taken Leif off my census."
(9) There were three Indian squaws. One slept on a
deer skin, one slept on an elk skin, and the third slept on a
hippopotamus skin. All three became pregnant, and the first
two each had a baby boy. The one who slept on the
hippopotamus skin had twin boys. This goes to
prove that the squaw of the hippopotamus is equal to the
sons of the squaws of the other two hides.
(10) A skeptical anthropologist was cataloging South
American folk remedies with the assistance of a tribal
brujo who indicated that the leaves of a particular fern
were a sure cure for any case of constipation. When the
anthropologist expressed his doubts, the brujo
looked him in the eye and said, "Let me tell you,
with fronds like these, who needs enemas?"
(By the way, the guy who wrote these 10 puns entered
them in a contest. He figured with 10 entries, he couldn't
lose. As they were reading the list of winners, he was really
hoping one of his puns would win, but
unfortunately, no pun in ten did.)