<?php$day = date('l');$month = date('F');$date = date('jS');echo '-';if($day == 'Sunday'){print 'Today is Sunday. Something about God and The Simpsons.';}if($day == 'Monday'){print 'Today is Monday. One day closer to death.';}if($day == 'Tuesday'){print 'Today is Tuesday. Official day for stupidity.';}if($day == 'Wednesday'){print 'Today is Wednesday. Humping, humping, humping.';}if($day == 'Thursday'){print 'Today is Thursday. There\'s nothing funny about Thursday.';}if($day == 'Friday'){print 'Today is Friday. Sit back & relax';}if($day == 'Saturday'){print 'Today is Saturday. SMC (Saturday Morning Cartoons).';}echo ' ';if($month == 'January'){if ($date == '1st')print 'Happy New Year! I guess you\'re drunk... again.';}if($month == 'February'){if($date == '12th')print 'Lincoln was born & freed the slaves so, let\'s bake a cake';if($date == '14th')print '<a href="http://valentines.outsanity.com/">Valentine\'s Day</a>... what garbage.';if($date == '16th')print 'President\'s Day is just a cheap way to not pay the parking meter.';if($date == '22nd')print 'Washington... you owe me one.';}if($month == 'March'){if($date == '16th')print 'don\'t be stupid you moron!';if($date == '17th')print '<font color="green">St. Patty\'s Day = tons o\' drinking</font>.';if($date == '20th')print 'Spring is finally here!';}if($month == 'April'){if($date == '1st')print 'It\'s April Fool\'s Day you idiot.';if($date == '14th')print 'Good Friday. Isn\'t every friday good?';if($date == '16th')print 'Easter reminds me of marshmellow chicks chunks in vomit.';}if($month == 'May'){if($date == '14th')print 'Happy Mother\'s Day. Go visit her tombstone.';if($date == '31st')print 'Memorial Day. Who cares?';}if($month == 'June'){if($date == '18th')print 'Happy Father\'s Day. Even to all the bastard children.';}if($month == 'July'){if($date == '4th')print '<font color="red">Independence</font> <font color="blue">Day</font>.';}if($month == 'August'){print '';}if($month == 'September'){if($date == '1st')print 'Labor Day. Go sleep or something you busybody.';}if($month == 'October'){if($date == '13th')print '';if($date == '31st')print '<font color="orange">Go forth and scare me some candy!</font>';}if($month == 'November'){if($date == '11th')print 'Veterans Day...pet doctor?';if ($date == '27th')print 'Next time, cook that turkey on the 26th for a free Thanksgiving.';}if($month == 'December'){if($date == '12th')print 'Yes... my Cakeday is here.';if($date == '25th')print 'Happy Greedmas! Snow, gifts, and family fights.';if($date == '31st')print '10, 9, 8, 7, 6, 5, 4, 3, 2, 1...';}?>