i've been a donor, both through this site and elsewhere, for several years now. i run into some common themes when talking to recipients, and i run into some common behaviors. some recipients are polite and kind, but some seem to allow the fact that we're (initially) anonymous to mar their behavior, and thus their experience and the experience of their potential donors.
after posting a comment on another blog post, i've taken the time to expand on that comment some, based on my experience. but really, my point boils down to this: treat potential donors with kindness.
so let me offer some guidance on how to treat a potential donor with kindness -- things to do, things to avoid, that will make his experience here better, and in turn, make your experience here better.
1. communication ettiquite
remember that these are real people you're talking to. when you don't answer an email, or when you're in chat and simply close your browser window, that is the equivalent of simply walking away from someone in the middle of a conversation, or hanging up on someone. you wouldn't do that in person; don't do it on here. if you're not interested, must leave, or have decided i am not a good match for you, just say so.
i've had a great many recips have fantastic first conversations with me. some even go so far as to trade phone numbers, facebook contact info, instant message information, whatever, and THEN the drop off the face of the earth.
finally, i've had a number of recips who've had great conversations with me, sometimes several times, who then stop answering or even start rejecting my chat requests on-site. the message is clear, but it's still extremely rude.
if you're not interested in me as your donor, tell me that. i'm not stupid: i know i'm not a match for everyone. i'd even hazard a guess that i'm not even a match for most recipients. if you decide that's the case, be courteous and tell me that so i can release the brain space i've been devoting to you and concentrate on recipients who will be a better match. if you tell me no, i'll quit harassing you and I won't be offended if you do it politely.
2. priorities
over the past couple of weeks i've had a recipient tell me she's "too busy to talk." she doesn't return messages, isn't online when she says she will be, and in general, is obviously way too busy to deal with someone as inconsequential as a potential sperm donor.
then, in a panic, she says that she's ovulating, but she can't decide what to do. i offer a solution that would meet her needs and mine; she asks for the morning to think about it. morning comes and goes, and silence. not yes, not no, just more silence.
when she materialized 24 hours after our response deadline, i get only semi-coherent responses to my messages. it takes five hours of waiting on text messages to get an APPOINTMENT to have a telephone call she then did not keep.
if you don't have time to answer text messages or have a voice conversation from someone who's willing to help you have a baby (which is supposedly the most important goal in your life), how will you have time for a real live baby?
i don't expect my messages to be the highest priority in your life, but i do expect to be on the list somewhere, and i do expect reasonable, professional response times and coherent responses, like you'd offer someone when you are asking for an extremely intimate interaction. if you will be unable to answer for a while, tell me what to expect, and then stick to your comittment.
3. screening recipients
just like you screen donors, i screen recipients.
just like is it not offensive for you to ask me about my health and my recent sexual history, it is not offensive for me to ask relatively personal questions about your financial situation, education and background, family status, and other questions related to your ability to care for a child. i will probably also ask you about your religious and political preferences, your outlook on life, your future plans, and other questions that touch on the environment in which our child will grow up.
if you find these questions offensive, i am probably the wrong donor for you. my motivations do not directly relate to baby count; i'm not simply looking to spread my sperm around. i reject as many recipients as you reject donors.
so, when i ask personal questions that offend you at first blush, try to understand the motivation behind my question. "why do you want to know?" is a reasonable response, if you then answer my question once my motivation is satisfactorily expressed.
4. demands
i've had recipients demand things from me. the arrangement must be thus; we will only meet in this way; it must be at this time; expenses must be handed this way and no other; this is our non-negotiable contract. do it our way or we'll use someone else.
okay, then. use someone else. suits me fine.
i am a person, not a pair of testicles with a really inconvenient mouth. i have needs and concerns that need to be addressed, and they are just as valid as your needs and concerns. i do not exist solely to jack off into a cup in a starbucks (at my expense) when you command me to do so.
this is a business relationship, not a romance, yes. but in any business relationship, both sides must get something they're looking for. when one side demands of the other, rather than negotiating in good faith and reaching an agreement, the relationship turns sour and unfulfilling for at least one of the parties.
don't demand. request and ask. you will find that i will probably bend over backwards to accomodate your needs, if i also feel that my needs are getting met.
5. my needs and motivations
speaking of my needs, i'll probably tell you pretty clearly what they are, pretty early on in our conversation. if you don't know what they are, ask and i'll tell you directly.
i am a person, and i have needs and feelings, and i have specific reasons for participating here. i have specific needs that i want each recipient to meet, and some desires that would help smooth things out as well.
asking what my motivation for being here is reasonable. being offended by it when i tell you what it is, is not reasonable. perhaps my motivation does not match your needs, and if that's the case, simply tell me my motivations do not suit you and we're probably not a match, and we'll both go happily on with our lives. there's no call to be rude about it.
i have five basic pieces of information that i want from every recipient, and i have two child-rearing decisions that i ask my recipients to honor. when i've explained each of these seven things in detail, i've never had a recipient tell me they're unreasonable or stupid.
be honest about these requests: even if you're a no-contact recipient, if a donor makes post-donation information requests of you, consider whether you can provide the information he wants. often you can without violating your no-contact wishes.
every donor has the right to ask for his needs to be met. every recipient has the right to have her needs met. the overlap between the two is where a match is made.
6. AI vs NI
this is always a touchy subject.
some donors are AI-only; some donors are NI-only. some recipients are AI-only, some are NI-only. it is a violation of site rules to ask for NI from someone who doesn't have it listed in their profile.
HOWEVER ... a fair number of recipients have both AI and NI listed, and i've even seen this on married and lesbian couple profiles. if you have NI listed, it is fair game for me to ask, so don't get all pissy when i do so. simply fix your profile.
i will tell you, when it's appropriate to discuss it, what kind of donor i am, or what i might be willing to do for and with you.
7. expenses
expenses can be a touchy subject. some donors will offer to pay some or all travel expenses, especially if you're doing an NI donation. some will pay some expenses in certain circumstances, and not in others.
as a general rule, the recipient does the heavy lifting on expenses, but the donor may also pay some. they're negotiable, and it's not unfair for a donor to ask about who's going to pay for what.
however, you should remember that it's a violation of site rules to pay a donor for a donation. when giving money to a donor, always ask for a receipt to prove the expense. likewise, when a donor gives you money for expenses, provide a receipt showing the amount you paid toward the expense.
this is an important stage of the conversation, and you should not be offended when i ask about how the money will work. unless you're VERY close to me, or on my way to/from the rest of my life, it's reasonable for me to ask you to pitch in for gas.
beware: paying a donor or recipient for their time, especially with NI donations, can be considered prostitution.
8. relationships
relationships between donors and recipients are a touchy subject, and need to be hashed out in advance. i understand that romantic engagements are unlikely to come from interactions here. most recipients don't want them. so we're clear, i don't mean a romantic relationship.
the flipside is, what we do here will change both of our lives forever, even if it's a no-contact agreement. talk to me about the kind of relationship we want with one another, both before and after donation. with most donors, the kind of relationship they want speaks to their motivations for donating, and this is true with me. one of the ways i get my needs met (see number 5 above) is through answering this question and reaching an agreement with my recipient about what our relationship is, and is not.
it isn't offensive to work toward developing the relationship i want with the right recipient. it isn't offensive to ask about the kind of relationship we want, and it isn't offensive to tell you, if you don't want a compatible or acceptable pre- and post-donation relationship with me, that we're not a match.
00. wrap-up
in the end, it comes down to kindness. i am here to get my needs met just like you are. in the process, i hope to give you the person you most desire -- your new child. treat me with the kindness you'd expect from anyone else you might be having a baby with, and we will get on well together, even if we're not a match.