FACADE STAGEPLAY
Sat Jan 28 11 24 57 2012
TRIP
Where are the new wine glasses?
GRACE
What for?
TRIP
That should be obvious!
(Fluttershy knocks on the front door.)
GRACE
Oh God, Trip, don't turn this into a big production, -- (interrupted)
(Fluttershy knocks on the front door.)
TRIP
Oh, she's here!
GRACE
What?! You said she's coming an hour from now!
TRIP
No, she's right on time!
GRACE
Trip...!
(Trip opens the front door.)
TRIP
Fluttershy!!
TRIP
Hey! It's been too long! How are you doing, you look great! -- (interrupted)
FLUTTERSHY
Hi there! Praise Smooze!
TRIP
Ha ha ha!
TRIP
Wow, it's really really great to see you.
TRIP
Well come on in!
TRIP
Uh, it'll be just a sec while I go get Grace... -- (interrupted)
FLUTTERSHY
Well okay...
TRIP
Y -- yeah, yeah, uh, just -- just stay here...
TRIP
(unintelligable arguing)
FLUTTERSHY
Oh hey, a harpy!
(FLUTTERSHY picks up a trinket 5.)
GRACE
Fluttershy,
GRACE
Hi! How are you? God it's been a while!
(FLUTTERSHY puts down a trinket 5.)
TRIP
Hey, that's what I said!
GRACE
And, I've got to say, you look really good!
FLUTTERSHY
Oh hasn't it?
GRACE
Uh...
GRACE
Well, anyway... make yourself at home...
TRIP
Huh, I'll close the door.
FLUTTERSHY
Thanks! I feel good too!
(Trip closes the front door.)
FLUTTERSHY
You know why?
PHONE
** RING **
TRIP
Oh, I'll get it --
GRACE
No, no, we have a guest, we can let the answering machine pick it up.
PHONE
** RING **
FLUTTERSHY
Don't answer that!
GRACE
What? Oh, God, can we just -- let's just wait for the answering machine...!
PHONE
** RING **
PHONE
** RING **
FLUTTERSHY
I need to tell you something!
GRACE
Mmm... well hold on a sec... (clears throat)
ANSWERING MACHINE
** click **
ANSWERING MACHINE
You've reached the fabulous new home of Grace and Trip. Leave us a message!
TRIP
Well, Grace's parents... They're something else, really classy people --
ANSWERING MACHINE
** beep **
GRACE
Uhh, no, they're impossible, they're always expecting me to act like the dutiful daughter, it's so annoying.
ANSWERING MACHINE
Grace, this is your father, I thought I'd call to see how my lovely daughter is doing.
ANSWERING MACHINE
I want you and Trip to come up to the house this weekend, your mother and I are throwing a party for a senior VP at the firm, and you should be there.
TRIP
(frustrated sigh)
FLUTTERSHY
No, see since you last saw me...
TRIP
Heh heh, Fluttershy, seeing you brings back good memories, you know?
ANSWERING MACHINE
Oh, and be sure to arrive early, I want to talk to you about this business about why you won't be attending your mother's Christmas Eve gala.
GRACE
Yes...
FLUTTERSHY
I converted!
ANSWERING MACHINE
(clear throat) So, that's all. Uh, goodbye.
TRIP
Oh, well, uh, I've -- I've missed you.
TRIP
Whoa I just realized something!
GRACE
What...
TRIP
We have to celebrate! Tonight's a special night!
GRACE
It is?
FLUTTERSHY
I started this cult.
TRIP
Uh -- well, tonight is special!
TRIP
Fluttershy, remember, it was almost exactly ten years ago, tonight, that you introduced us.
TRIP
Senior year of college!
GRACE
Oh... god...
TRIP
Remember that?
FLUTTERSHY
Really? Is it THAT night?
TRIP
We really want to thank you for years and years of...
GRACE
Pain.
TRIP
Heh heh heh... Agony. -- (interrupted)
FLUTTERSHY
The night Lord Smooze will come? Tonight?
TRIP
Y -- yeah, yeah, it's great you could be here tonight.
TRIP
(little sigh)
TRIP
Ah, Fluttershy, -- (interrupted)
FLUTTERSHY
Let me check...
GRACE
W -- wait, wait, what's wrong, Trip?
FLUTTERSHY
Is it the night of the Smoozenami?
GRACE
Trip, there's nothing wrong with disagreeing in front of our friend -- -- (interrupted)
(FLUTTERSHY picks up the advice ball.)
TRIP
Oh that -- oh, that's just a little joke advice giver toy thing that I like to consult now and then...
(The advice ball reads, "Never")
(FLUTTERSHY puts down the advice ball.)
FLUTTERSHY
WHAT?
TRIP
Mmm... hmm...
TRIP
Ah, Fluttershy, what we really need here...
TRIP
are some drinks!
FLUTTERSHY
Your 8-ball is BROKEN!
GRACE
Oh, is that what -- (interrupted)
TRIP
What...? Fluttershy,
GRACE
Trip, that was just a well-intentioned little poke in the ribs between friends, that's all.
TRIP
Heh, uh, good one, good one.
FLUTTERSHY
Well it is! You need to get it fixed.
TRIP
So... drinks...
TRIP
Ah I know... I'm going to open us a magnificent, I mean, astounding Bordeaux.
TRIP
Best of the best, you can't buy this in stores... Very, very special --
GRACE
God Trip, you are such a wine snob. Just like my dad.
FLUTTERSHY
Lord Smooze will consume you all!
TRIP
I'll take that as a compliment. Fluttershy, what do you say?
TRIP
Oh, come on, let's enjoy ourselves tonight, this wine will be so good. So good.
FLUTTERSHY
I say you should get drunk.
GRACE
Fluttershy, maybe you'd like some juice, or a mineral water?
TRIP
Oh come on...
FLUTTERSHY
That way you'll be more receptive to Smooze!
TRIP
Yeah, no, we need to open this wine! Our friend is here, we're going to enjoy ourselves, that's all there is to it!
FLUTTERSHY
You need to listen to this.
GRACE
(frustrated sigh)
TRIP
I've been dying to try this Bordeaux for a long time, this is the perfect opportunity --
GRACE
That's not our anniversary wine is it?
GRACE
That's not the Bordeaux we saved from our wedding, that we were going to drink on our tenth wedding anniversary, RIGHT?!
FLUTTERSHY
Who cares?
TRIP
Whoops.
TRIP
Ahh, this is bullshit!
GRACE
Ahh, no, you're full of shit!
GRACE
Our anniversary wine!
GRACE
Sometimes I feel like our whole marriage is just for show! I don't know what you really feel!
FLUTTERSHY
Oh, shut up already.
TRIP
(little impatient sigh) Fluttershy, can you believe this?
TRIP
(frustrated sigh)
GRACE
Oh, and you...
GRACE
I can predict what you'll say...
GRACE
You've been critical of me all evening!
TRIP
Your goddamn parents...
TRIP
You think you're better than me just because I didn't come from a rich background! You do, I know it, you think you're better than me!
GRACE
Oh, yeah, yeah, right!
GRACE
Alright, you know what, Fluttershy,
GRACE
I need to ask you something.
TRIP
Grace --
GRACE
Trip, let me ask our guest a question.
FLUTTERSHY
The Smooze will digest you both, hooray!
GRACE
Fluttershy, yes or no...
GRACE
In a marriage, shouldn't one person try to make their spouse a better person, even if they don't want it?
TRIP
What?
GRACE
I mean, even if they don't actually want it, shouldn't you help your spouse understand a better way to be?
GRACE
Yes or no.
FLUTTERSHY
They should ignore their spouse actually.
GRACE
Look, you don't need answer, I don't need to hear anymore!
GRACE
Don't you see, Trip?! Our marriage... is a sham, Trip! Don't you see that? It's all fake, all pretend...
FLUTTERSHY
They should join the cult!
TRIP
Oh, Jesus...!
TRIP
Uhh! Yeah, go on, go away!
FLUTTERSHY
YOU GET A FREE T-SHIRT
TRIP
I can't frigging take this!
TRIP
Oh... Shit!
TRIP
uhh!
TRIP
Fluttershy, this is not normal, this has never happened.
TRIP
uhh...
TRIP
Look, if you -- if you need to go, you know...
TRIP
Oh, Jesus... Christ...
FLUTTERSHY
I know it's difficult to accept at first.
GRACE
What? Are you trying to talk to me?
TRIP
I'm not!
GRACE
Fluttershy, (annoyed sigh) Trip is just so...
FLUTTERSHY
You need to let Smooze into your heart.
TRIP
Oh, we're talking about me again, are we?
FLUTTERSHY
And your other internal organs.
GRACE
What?
GRACE
Damn it, Trip, you and my parents are always planning these stupid trips I have to go on..
TRIP
They're vacations! Expensive ones at that!
GRACE
Of course nobody thinks to ask me what I want.
TRIP
Oh, now it's all my fault. Just because your parents and I get along, now it's some big conspiracy.
FLUTTERSHY
You want to be consumed!
GRACE
God...
TRIP
Look, let's not focus on just me or you, let's talk about us both.
GRACE
I think Trip's afraid of visiting his parents. He does everything he can to avoid seeing them.
FLUTTERSHY
By a giant sentient OOZE!
TRIP
Afraid of my parents?! My parents are idiots.
GRACE
No, it's true...
FLUTTERSHY
Why are you not listening?
GRACE
Let's talk some more about us, our relationship.
TRIP
You know what makes me so angry?
GRACE
What?
TRIP
How you've so conveniently forgotten how much you used to actually hate painting!
FLUTTERSHY
It's not about you.
GRACE
Fluttershy, I -- I -- uhh...!
FLUTTERSHY
It's about Smooze...
GRACE
Trip, it's your fault -- ten years ago, freshly married and just out of college,
GRACE
you convinced me to go into advertising, instead of art! -- (interrupted)
(FLUTTERSHY picks up a trinket 8.)
GRACE
All this stuff... mmm... Having all this money makes us so happy. We're so happy, aren't we Trip?
TRIP
Jesus, what do you want! Now you're unhappy because we're too well off?
TRIP
Fluttershy, where are you going? Don't hide in the kitchen, we need you out here! -- (interrupted)
GRACE
Look, why don't we talk about us, our relationship.
TRIP
Grace, I -- I want to take care of you...
GRACE
Trip...
GRACE
Trip... Fluttershy, we... uhh...
TRIP
You've always wanted that, I know you did...
TRIP
Let's keep the focus on us, not just one person.
GRACE
Fluttershy, it's time that Trip finally just admits that our marriage --
TRIP
Grace, don't, no, you don't need to --
GRACE
Admits that our marriage is not --
TRIP
Stop it, stop it! (annoyed sigh)
(FLUTTERSHY sits on the couch.)
GRACE
Uhh...! God...!
GRACE
Let's keep the focus on us, our relationship.
GRACE
Trip, can't you see, it's the way you speak, the way you talk to me...!
FLUTTERSHY
I'm just here with my little purple egg.
TRIP
What, I'm not allowed to be angry?
GRACE
You tell me what to do, you don't listen.
TRIP
Fluttershy, I'm not telling her what to do, I'm trying to help her!
TRIP
Look, let's switch the focus to Grace.
FLUTTERSHY
It's like a Smooze altar, really. This is therapy.
GRACE
You know, anytime we talk about the past... especially college...
GRACE
I get this sharp pain in my stomach...
TRIP
Jesus, Grace...
(FLUTTERSHY puts down a trinket 8.)
TRIP
Fluttershy, that's...
GRACE
Look, why don't we talk about us, our relationship.
FLUTTERSHY
The egg is symbolic, of course. Of Smooze.
GRACE
What makes me the most angry, Trip, is what you took away from me.
TRIP
What?
GRACE
I wasted ten years in this marriage, making advertisements, and redecorating our apartment!
FLUTTERSHY
Kneel, and worship it.
TRIP
Uhh! Fluttershy, uhh...
GRACE
Okay, stop, I -- I can't do this anymore, goddammit!
GRACE
Fluttershy, I know what you're trying to hint at...
GRACE
about me...
GRACE
Do you two want to hear the honest truth? Huh?
GRACE
Fluttershy, do you want that?
GRACE
Trip, huh?
TRIP
Yes...!
GRACE
Fluttershy, yes or no?
FLUTTERSHY
Actually, I want you to die.
GRACE
See, Fluttershy, I've been listening carefully to what you've been saying tonight.
GRACE
You've tried to push me tonight.
GRACE
It makes me wonder if you're really my friend...?
FLUTTERSHY
Then why aren't you kneeling?
TRIP
Grace!
GRACE
Fluttershy, I've got to ask you -- yes or no...
GRACE
Do you really think that...
GRACE
criticizing Trip...
FLUTTERSHY
Before the puddle of ooze. Kneel now, and it will be fine.
GRACE
and you don't even say 'yes' when I ask you if you want the truth...
GRACE
that it's all supposed to make me realize something about myself?
GRACE
Was the little you've said tonight intended to mean something, or...
GRACE
Is it? I just want a yes or a no.
FLUTTERSHY
Yes
GRACE
This is not a trick question.
FLUTTERSHY
Yes
GRACE
No? Oh, well... I'm surprised you say that, I thought it did.
FLUTTERSHY
Now kneel before Smooze!
GRACE
Okay... look... (big sigh)
GRACE
Fluttershy, We're... we're actually fine... everything's fine...
FLUTTERSHY
Altar's right here!
TRIP
Yeah...
GRACE
If -- if you need to go, you -- you know, that's fine...
GRACE
You know, Fluttershy, nothing's changed, we're fine... we'll see you out.
FLUTTERSHY
Okay, glad to help!
TRIP
It's great you could come over... really...
(FLUTTERSHY gets up from the couch.)
GRACE
Come on, Fluttershy, there's nothing more to say tonight, okay?
FLUTTERSHY
Yes there is!
TRIP
Uh, it's great you came over, but it's time to call it a night.
FLUTTERSHY
PRAISE SMOOZE!
(Grace opens the front door.)
GRACE
Alright, so, so we'll see you sometime, don't -- don't be a stranger.
FLUTTERSHY
Hooray, more converts!
FLUTTERSHY
yay.
(FLUTTERSHY presses the elevator button.)