Its 2:15, and I really can’t sleep. I feel terrible because all I was trying to do was help you not feel hurt, and ended up making you feel bad myself. Maybe I should have gone about saying it in a different way. I was just so upset that you did that. I was tired and it came off as anger which I really didn’t mean.
I don’t even know if I’m going to send you this, but maybe saying it here will help me, and thereby you as well. I was really quite hurt. I felt like when you asked me to help you not get anything more from James in that respect, you trusted me with something really important to you. I took it seriously, because if it ever happened again and you were hurt as much as you were that night in the hotel, it would tear you up inside. I was upset because I thought it was really important to you, and felt privileged when you asked me to help, like I really meant something to you and like you needed me. Perhaps I was selfish. Then you do it and brush it off with “horny tbh”, as if it never really meant anything at all, and something I’d really taken seriously wasn’t really that important after all.
I wasn’t upset because I felt you’d betrayed me though, because you hadn’t. I was upset because you’d betrayed yourself. It makes me feel helpless because how can I help you if you can justify it so easily to yourself; if I can’t help you with things you’ve asked me to help with, I’m pretty useless to you.
Above all that, there’s definitely some jealousy. I remember you asked me if you thought it made you horrible because you felt bad when I said I had pulled on a night out once. I feel the exact same with you, kind of often. Like when you’re on webcam with me and your boyfriend comes over and starts kissing you. I deal with it because it’s not really a big deal, but it doesn’t feel good. Of course this isn’t your fault, I’m just trying to be open with you about how I feel.
All of this together terrifies me, because ever since you said that mikey felt we talk too much I’ve honestly felt like we are just going to drift apart. It only scares me so much because I really, seriously need you. You’re so important to me. I can’t even explain how much I love you, I just want to stay a part of your life, no matter what.
I accept that you have other guys in your life, and I’m never going to think you won’t. I promised the both of us that I’m going to be there for you no matter what, and I intend to do that. I just don’t know how to sometimes, and I’m sorry. Please help me, I don’t want to lose you.