Notes:
Written for /tg/, based upon a rumoured bit of old D&D fluff about elves having verysensitive hands... in
that
way. It inspired the story, which then evolved into further awkwardness for our hapless Captain. Enjoy!
Elven Ambassador: A Captain’s Bane
By Farseer MirielCaptain Thurel of the North Keep sighed. As if it wasn't bad enough to be stuck out here inthe middle of nowhere, he'd discovered their nearest neighbour.Elves. An entire city of elves.
Where do they keep these damn lost cities?
he wondered.
Do they have the bloody things instorage so they can put them up anywhere inconvenient for us and claim they were here first?
Captain Thurel, it must be said, was a cynic, and a born pessimist, which was why he'dgreeted the latest tidings with an air of resignation.A group of elven diplomats had arrived at the Keep, awaiting suitable negotiators - whowould take a while to arrive, given how long it took to pry pampered bureaucrats away fromthe comforts of the cities in the heartlands.As a result, until then they'd be Thurel's concern.
Oh, joy.
The head of the elven delegation had been... memorable."You rule this place?" the silver-haired, slender... male? Maybe? asked, in a strange accent,seeming to linger caressingly over every vowel."I run it," Thurel replied flatly. "Ruling it's for people that don't work for a living. I'm told wehaven't had a border lord here in forty years.""I see." The elf, damn him(?), seemed to be smirking - but then, in Thurel's experience theyall looked like that, whether they were actually smirking or not. "I am Ambassador Telethinarian Celorial, of Hanallethirya City.""..." Thurel barely managed to restrain a query as to whether elves had a syllable fetish or something, upon hearing the improbable name. "Welcome, Ambassador," he said grudgingly,using the one pronounceable word in the string of them."I believe this is your human custom?" the Ambassador enquired, holding out his hand withyet another superior look."...Yes." Thurel reached out to shake his hand, despite wanting nothing more than to smack him in the face instead.The elf's skin was very smooth. How could he defend himself, with no weapon calluses toindicate skill there? Thurel reminded himself that most elves seemed to have at least a littlemagic.
He heard a quiet indrawn breath from the ambassador, whose grip suddenly tightened, handquivering a little. Instinctively, Thurel tightened his own grip, just as he customarily didwhen others tried to challenge his strength.The elf drew his hand away very slowly, slipping it free through Thurel's fingers, eyes half-closed with some strange satisfaction.Suddenly, Thurel realised he'd never truly seen an elven smirk before; the current expressionon the Ambassador's face outstripped them all, smug beyond belief."If you'll excuse me, Captain," the elf said dreamily, "I will go and inspect the rooms youhave so graciously granted us.""Fine." It wasn't until the Ambassador left that Thurel remembered a few bawdy littlebarracks songs and a rumour threaded through them. His face turned crimson, and he thankedthe gods he'd not had any of his men with him when he met the Ambassador. "Fuck," hemuttered succinctly. "I need to wash my hands." He'd scrub them. Thoroughly. And then geta very strong drink.***Captain Thurel was not a happy man. The elves were a nuisance, and a distraction from duty.They spent hours choosing the best foods in the Keep, disdaining anything even slightlyflawed. He snorted. The look on the Ambassador's face when told one could just cut theworse bits off a piece of cheese had been akin to someone being told not to worry, they couldcure their cold by eating their own offspring.It wasn't hard to find their chambers, either - only shiny doorknob in the Keep, thanks to allthat obsessive cleaning. As he walked through the hallway, Thurel halted. The door wasopen, and...
Where the hell did they get silk hangings?
Well, that explained why they'd stayed in their chambers so long; they'd been redecorating."Ahhhh, Captain..."Thurel's face acquired a somewhat trapped expression as the Ambassador approached. "I...didn't see you there," he muttered."No? But you see me now."Truth be told, it would be difficult not to, given the white leather trousers and peacock bluesilk shirt, open at the front almost to waist-level. "Uh... Yes.""Excellent!" The Ambassador was tugging him into the room. "You must see our decorations; I'm very proud of them."Thurel stopped in his tracks. All elves looked a bit delicate, so judging their gender couldsometimes be tricky. The pair of elves sitting in the corner, however... Well. They werewearing the same gear as the Ambassador, in different colours, open just as far in front...conclusively demonstrating that yes, these two elves were women.The Ambassador negligently plucked a blue silk banner from a pile on the floor, thenplayfully draped it around Thurel's neck. "It matches your eyes," he noted, smiling cheerfully."My favourite colour..."One of the women came over. "Could you help us? We need to get this up there.""What up where?""This." She gestured to a longer banner, and then to a spot higher on the wall. "Go over there,please, Captain?"He obeyed, trying not to stare... and felt her clambering nimbly up his back to sit on hisshoulders. Apparently, just standing on a chair wasn't good enough for an elf.When she'd finished, she slid down, but not all the way, hanging onto his back. "Carry me!"she laughed. "Like a horse!"
Those damn diplomats better get here soon.
He essayed a few movements, but nearly fellover as his brain processed why exactly there was a soft pressure against the back of his head.That open shirt...The other two elves, damn them, were just watching as he carried their companion around theroom.At last, Thurel set the giggling elf down."My turn!""What? No!" The figure that bounded onto his back was that of the Ambassador, whose armswrapped around him firmly."Yes! Carry me!" There was glee in the imperious command."But -" There was no pressure against his head, this time. Instead, there was an odd anddistinctly solid feeling against his lower back...
Oh, gods.
The Ambassador, it seemed,
really
enjoyed being carried."Uh..."Thurel's face drained of colour. In a horrified daze, he turned toward the door, and saw one of his soldiers standing there, looking at him, seeing him like this."Message for you, sir," the soldier managed to say."Leave it on my desk," Thurel snapped. Something in his eyes warned the man that carelessgossip would be rewarded with lots and lots of duty that involved the filthiest jobs in theKeep.
"Yes, sir."The soldier left, and Thurel groaned quietly."Awwww... our dear Captain is feeling bad," the Ambassador said as he returned to the floor."I think he needs a group hug!"Thurel's objections were cut short by the third elf racing over to clamp her arms around him.It was not so much that it made him less reluctant; rather, the impact somewhat robbed him of the breath with which to speak.And with that, all three elves were hugging him, pinning his arms to his sides.
As soon as I can, I'm applying to be posted elsewhere
, Thurel vowed silently.
Even battling orc hordes will be an improvement.
He squirmed free - he didn't know which of them had pinched his backside as he turnedaway, and didn't dare find out - and hurried from the room.Time to get very, very drunk.***Hangovers, Captain Thurel had decided, were a curse from the gods. He groaned quietly,head throbbing with pain, squinting against the light filtering into his bedroom.His efforts to drink away his problems last night had not gone according to plan.The first part - 'get drunk fast' - had worked just fine. Unfortunately, there was the matter of how, precisely, it had worked. Apparently elven liquor was stronger than he'd thought -supplied by the Ambassador, who had insisted upon joining him for a drink.At one point, he'd remembered to ask where the other elves were, but had been nonchalantlyinformed that they were busy washing their hair."Together?" he'd asked, his intoxication turning off his mind-to-mouth filter."Of course," the Ambassador had told him. "How else?"Now, though, that pleasant mental image was gone, and he was left to reflect upon the waythe night had turned out.There was a weight on his out-flung arm. He didn't want to look, but had to."...Fuck." The Ambassador was lying there, perfectly still, completely and utterly stark naked.Thurel sat up, wincing at the pain in his head, and shook the elf, intending to send him out asquickly as possible.
he Ambassador didn't stir. His head flopped limply as the Captain shook him.
Oh shit.
Just when he'd thought the situation could not get any worse, there was a knock on the door."Wait," he called, jolting into frantic motion.Thurel covered the Ambassador with a blanket, and dressed hastily before going to the door,opening it only a little.The soldier outside saluted. "Sir, the diplomats are arriving."Thurel managed not to flinch. "Get them settled; I'll see them as soon as I can.""Yes, sir."The Captain closed the door.
What am I going to do?
he thought, slumping against the wall.Suddenly, he had a single desperate idea. He went over to the blanket-draped body, gatheredthe Ambassador's clothing, and began to dress him. Once done, he wrapped him back up inthe blanket, and sent for a small wooden barrow.Fortunately, elves were fairly light-weight; unfortunately, even wrapped in a blanket, theywere still very person-shaped. Trundling the laden barrow through the halls, Thurel did hisbest to avoid the spots he knew his men patrolled.He reached the elven chambers without being seen - that much luck, he was grateful for.
Get him inside, let people think he died on his own. And fix the damn creaky wheel on thisbarrow
.Suddenly, he remembered how acute elven hearing was reputed to be. He halted in thedoorway, as one of the female elves sat up and looked over.She got up and approached. "What's this?""I..." Numbly, Thurel watched as the elven woman unwrapped the Ambassador. She would...She was smiling? He watched her lean down and tweak the Ambassador's ear, murmuringsomething to him.And then the Ambassador winced and opened his eyes. He stared up at the wide-eyed human,and asked vaguely, "Haven't you ever seen an elf in a hangover-cure trance before? Dead tothe world for hours." He got up carefully, and then looked at the barrow and blanket. "Ohdear Lady of the Trees... you were trying to preserve my reputation! That's so cute!"Thurel was too stunned to fend off the enthusiastic hug that followed. It did, however, wakehim up, and he peeled the elf away from him."I have to go... Duties..." He turned, and it took all of his discipline to walk, not run, away.
"Drink with me again sometime," the Ambassador called after him cheerfully.
Never.
Captain Thurel shuddered. The damn diplomats had been slow enough getting here;they could wait while he went back to bed. Maybe more sleep would help, since drinkingcertainly hadn't.***The river was cool and refreshing; enough to take Captain Thurel's mind off his recent woes.The diplomats had been every bit the spoiled bureacrats he'd expected; no wonder they dealt better with elves, they were just like them, only flabbier and less graceful. If he had to watch Negotiator Parnes eat even one more jar of candied fruit...Thurel sighed. He was alone now, at least, free from the commands of men who knewnothing about the military, free from interference by those damn elves too. Here, he could pretend to himself that he'd never seen any of them.There was a quiet splash. Thurel looked around, and saw who had joined him; one of theelven women, lithe body bared for a swim."It is a good evening," she noted."...Yes." At least she was the only one there, and it wasn't elven
women that seemed to cause the problems in his life...He watched appreciatively as she paddled about, floating on her back.He was so busy watching her that he did not at first hear the sounds of another entering thewater. A hand touched his hip from behind. Thurel jumped. He turned, and saw the Ambassador."What are you doing here?" He was too exasperated to be polite."Swimming, of course." The Ambassador waved one hand casually. "Ignore me as you wish.There is enough river for all of us."Thurel sighed as the Ambassador swam away. The water didn't seem quite so relaxing now.He swam about a little more, just to seem more casual than he actually felt, then turned andwaded toward the riverbank....There was something missing."Where the hell are my clothes?"There was, at first, no answer. Thurel repeated the question, louder.The Ambassador looked over. "Hm? Oh, I... might have put it aside for safekeeping."
"Oh, you might have, huh?""Indeed." The Ambassador sounded delighted. "Your perceptiveness does you credit."Thurel rolled his eyes. "And were you planning to give them back?""Of course!" The elf looked piqued. "I am not a thief, and they are still your belongings.""So... where are they?""I took them back to the Keep for you," the Ambassador said innocently."...What." Thurel looked over his shoulder, swiftly realising that, though he could not be seenfrom there now, any of his men on the walls would see him if he made the naked, drippingtrek back. "And how am I supposed to go back without them?""Hm. There is that." The Ambassador looked thoughtful. "You could entice me to fetch themfor you...""Or I could take your..." Thurel's threat tailed off as he realised how it would look if hereturned wearing the elf's clothes, with the elf following along naked behind him. That wasquite possibly worse than walking back naked himself.His shoulders slumped. "What do you want me to do?"The Ambassador beamed. "Dance for me! Like a little sexy dancing-girl!"Thurel stared at him for a long moment. "You're serious.""Perfectly so. We shall keep time for you." With that, the Ambassador and his femalecompanion began to clap out a beat, eyes fixed expectantly upon Captain Thurel.Feeling very foolish and distinctly annoyed, Thurel clambered out of the water, and began tocaper about on the river-bank in clumsy imitation of the dancing-girl he'd seen in a tavernonce. The ground was squishy with mud under his feet, and it was hard to keep his balance.Both elves seemed to be enjoying the sight, but Thurel vowed to himself that if either of themlaughed he'd march back up to the Keep, nakedness be damned. There were some things hewouldn't put up with.The clapping faded slightly, and Thurel saw the elf-woman had left - hopefully to get hisclothes. At the Ambassador's gesture, he danced on, fluttering his fingers, shaking his hips,and generally feeling ridiculous.One too-emphatic hip-shake overbalanced him - he flailed urgently, and then fell, landing onhis back in the mud and grass. Thurel scrambled to his feet, sulkily, and returned to the water to get the mud off."Here, I'll help." The Ambassador, damn him, seemed intent upon helping rinse the mud fromthe curls of Thurel's dark-brown, short hair. "I'm fine." It wasn't worth pushing him away over, though, so the Captain tolerated it.By the time the elf-woman had returned with the clothes, the Ambassador had moved on to'helping' to wash other areas, and Thurel's efforts in fending him off were growing moreresigned."Thank you," he said hastily to the female elf, scrambling out of the water and grabbing hisclothes. He dressed in a hurry, not bothering to get dry first, and set off back to the Keep.Behind him, he heard giggling, as the two elves switched to entertaining each other instead.Resolutely, he shut it out. Next time, he'd check the elves were in a meeting before he wentfor a swim.***Negotiator Parnes was beaming. Captain Thurel eyed him with mistrust. Usually, the jowleddiplomat only smiled like that at the sight of some new cake."Well?" Thurel asked."Oh, very well indeed, actually." Parnes smoothed his tunic. "The elves have agreed to grantus the right to traverse the wilderness here; we will have an embassy in their city, and theywill have an embassy in our capital."Thurel sighed in relief. "You're going home, then? Or to the capital?" he asked theAmbassador."Oh, home; I'm going to be the liaison to the human embassy.""And I have news for you, Captain," Parnes added. "Your request for another posting hasbeen granted; we'll be settling a border lord here in the Keep instead."Thurel could have cheered. At last, he'd be away from all this nonsense. And if he was lucky,he'd never see another elf again. "Where am I being sent? The conflicts in the south?""No, nothing of the sort. You, our brave Captain, for your skills in dealing with other cultures, are being given a great reward; you will accompany our chosen ambassador to thecity of the elves." Parnes smiled."...What?" Inwardly, he was cursing. He should have known he'd not get any luck out of this."Oh, yes. As a matter of fact, you'll be accompanying Ambassador Celorial there directly, tohelp set up the embassy before the rest of the group is sent.""Splendid news!" the Ambassador exclaimed, with a big grin. "You see? I knew that fatewould not part us!"Captain Thurel took a long, deep breath to avoid saying anything he might regret.
"You'll want to set out immediately," Parnes noted."Yes... my lord." Thurel gave a rough salute, and left the room.Two days later, they set off. The Ambassador was singing to himself. Thurel was notspeaking.The Ambassador smiled at him. "You know, you've been a very good sport about your duties.You'll retire a wealthy man; it's the custom at our celebrations to bestow lavish gifts. I'd bevery surprised if you couldn't fill your pockets with diamonds within five years."He draped an arm around Thurel. "And there are deer-hunts, and armour and swords the likesof which you'll never have carried before. All for you."Thurel didn't bother to shift away. "We'll see," was all he said.
-fin-