Dear Mom,
This is probably the most difficult letter that I will ever have to write. In fact it has taken many hours, so feel free to reread it if you wish and take it seriously. What I have to say may or may not make sense to you and that is okay, feel free to ask questions as I will answer them honestly.
As you know, I have been a social outcast most of my life (except this summer, which I cannot explain). The reason is quite simple, the kids I wanted to hang out with rejected me and the ones I could, I couldnt relate to. Ever since I was little, I always felt that who I am inside wasnt who I am outside. In other words, I felt like a girl trapped in a boys body. The clinical term for this would be gender dysphoria and people with this are other called transsexual girls or boys (transsexual girls are girls in a boy body while transsexual boys are boys trapped in a girl body), I my case I am a transsexual girl. It is quite rare, however there are lots of people like me out there. To get one thing straight gender and sexual preference ore COMPLETELY different things, and gender dysphoria is not a disease, it cannot be suddenly developed, it is not contagious, and is not you fault. Gender dysphoria is simply a trait like being tall or blonde. The ONLY way for it to be cured for most people (like me) is to make ones body congruent with their gender.
I first felt like a girl as a young child probably around the age of 3. After meeting Chris, I tried to act more boy-ish. I was actually more into hanging out with Jenny then Chris. I, like some people had decided to keep all feminine traits boiling within myself. When I was little, I thought that all nurses were girls, so when Chris would play doctor or whatever it was we did, I was often the nurse. I would also play with Madis Barbie dolls when I had the chance. In elementary school, I was often harassed for acting feminine. I also remember Hawaiian Day when you got me Capri style pants, and I actually loved them, however I was harassed so badly that I tried to bury all feminine feelings and try to be a guy. That hurt a lot emotionally and put me under stress. I since then have kept my true self inside and have essentially been acting. I have only really had male friends, some of which are cool, but I simply do not relate to them. During the seventh and recent eighth grade, I made some female friends whom I related to, but I couldnt act too feminine or risk losing them. And guys dont understand me because, well I am not a guy.
The following may be hard to understand or may make you uncomfortable, so bear with me. You are probably wondering how I can make my body reflect how I feel. Well first of all, I can join support groups (I know a few local ones and have been in contact with one) where I can interact with people just like me! To progress physically, I need to visit a therapist (I know where some are). Then the therapist will prescribe anti-androgens that block the production of testosterone (the male hormone) and if/when you allow, female hormones that will make my body feminized including breasts, reduced upper body strength, redistribution of weight, facial feminization, skin softening, reduced body hair, etc. Hormones however can reversed up to about three months in to prevent sterility. And ultimately, sex reassignment surgery (SRS) which requires me to live a certain amount of time as a girl (the period of time can be different for different doctors) to change my male genetalia to female. The only rush is anti-androgens to stop puberty. The rest will take years and will include building a new wardrobe, permanent hair removal, and name changing.
I realize how much of a shock this is for you, but I didnt think you should have the sugar coated version. The pain transsexuals go through is unimaginable, I cannot begin to describe to you how much it hurts every waking moment. There is no way that you will ever be able to understand the pain. So, all I ask is the same love and support that youve given me my whole life. And these male hormones have removed the ability for me to cry, so just because I do not cry doesnt mean I am emotionless. I am here for any questions that you have. I will also soon provide you with another transsexual womans email address as well as a VERY good book that you should read via email. I will talk to you when you are ready.
Your daughter,
Melissa R.