pastebin - dan nigga - post number 2204705

My girlfriend moved into the dorms at the beginning of the semester. We were doing the long-distance thing. She met a guy in the dorms. Over the course of three days she talked to me progressively less and him progressively more. By the third day, she texted me early to say she was ditching lectures and late to say we had a problem. He liked her, and she liked him. She didn't think she would leave me for him, but he is persistent. He didn't respect our relationship, and he wouldn't be friendzoned. I asked her if she could see us together in a month--to just dump me if she intended to and not draw it out--and she came back and said no. She thought it would be sooner. I didn't see that coming. She was laughing that she was being mean, but then she broke up with me.

 

She came out with a myriad of excuse. First, she says we fight too much. I say it's good, because we get to the root of disagreements and end up on the same page. She says she doesn't think that's healthy, I tell her there is no other functional type of relationship I have ever experienced. I also told her (while having regrets about goading her into it) that if she thought I fight a lot before just wait until she sees me fight to keep her. I know... it was cheesy but it also stopped her in her tracks. So, her reasoning changes; she says she feels inferior talking to me. When I was younger I was cursed with getting an abnormally high IQ score on a silly timed test. I made the mistake of telling her about it. Honestly, I think she is smarter than me in many ways--just ignorant still because I have 7 years and a tier 1 education on her. So, I told her all the ways I think she is superior to me and all others. Next it was that she wants a guy who can put his arm around her at the movies and hold her hand while they walk. I said I am willing to move--just give me a few months. She tells me she doesn't have time to give. Throughout all this, she kept saying she was just going to be honest. Anyway, this happened in a text chat on facebook 2 weeks ago yesterday. She didn't even do it verbally.

 

I've literally spent 10+ hours a day--everyday--for months talking to her. I finally ended the excuses by just saying I love her enough where if she clearly wants out I will let her go--though tbh I didn't buy the reason at the time. Anyway, so a week goes by and she is suddenly dating the jerk who disrespected our relationship. She didn't mourn the end of it. She barely got courted before entering a new relationship with this boy. I sent her a txt asking if she went into one weekend breaking up with me and came out the next with a new BF. She couldn't figure out why I would care about what she does, and was sorry it all hurt me like it was some sort of consolation prize. She said he wasn't why we broke up--though I do suspect cheating--she claims he's just what she needs right now. Yes, she uses a lot of time qualifiers like right now. I think it is possible that she is insinuating that she is willing to date me again at some point in the future. Of course, how would I ever date a girl that has done this to me? This completely annihilated me. I couldn't delete her contacts. I couldn't change the wallpapers from her picture. My few friends have all been awkwardly silent when I ask for advice. I've had a cascade of emotions--anger, humiliation and embarrassment, loneliness, just plain hurt... finally I arrived at this really weird place. I realized I don't have any real life goals. I might have career goals and mid-range goals, but I don't know if I will ever find a wife or have kids or have any real purpose to my life beyond the trivial. So, I realized my life currently is just going through the motions of living. I don't feel like I have a reason to live, but I also don't feel like I have a reason to die. So, I'm not suicidal, but I decided for some dumbass reason to flip a coin with a trigger. Click. It wasn't meant to be. And I just want to emphasize I am not suicidal--more nihilistic at the moment--if I was suicidal I wouldn't have used a gun. I would have gone with my preferred route of an inert gas like nitrogen or helium.

 

Anyway, I started going back to this quack because obviously I need help. I'm obliterated, and I don't even know where to begin to start rebuilding. I've been talking a lot to a lot of people. Most people wont or cant help me. They suffice to say lame things about time healing wounds or they reminisce about their past flames. Some are just silent and decline to advise me. My quack isn't very useful, but I did figure some stuff out that has helped me to an extent. Particularly, I figured out she was using me as a stand-in for her father who served in Afghanistan and Iraq. She's now dating a foreign national named Khaled from the UAE. She doesn't talk to me, and I truly am not angry or upset with her. I honestly love her immensely, and I forgive her for what she's done to me. I'm trying desperately to put that--even if I can't put her--in my rearview mirror. But I miss her and just want my friend to talk to me again, I just don't know if she wants me even in her life. She hasn't been friendly to me in three weeks, so perhaps she doesn't want me as a friend. Perhaps, she wants me to feed her attention or god only knows what else. I keep asking friends and my quack what I should do, but they're pretty much of no use. I came to /adv/ to get the truth from mostly objective people. Every single one of the responders told me not to reply to her and just to delete her now. One replied I needed to be in therapy. I didn't know how to tell anon I already am and it's not working at all.

 

As for background on me, this is my first relationship in 4 years after my last girlfriend falsely accused me of raping her and my friends abandoned me (then it came out she was retardedly unjustified in accusing me). I found dealing with people to be a tedious chore. I gave up on women and friends. At first I thought I was aromantic, asexual, and asocial. I just wanted my space to stay at home and read books and do other boring things that I actually enjoy. That's no longer the case. I'm diagnosed as misanthropic, and living like a recluse. I seem to deeply despise 4/5 people I meet for things like perceived laziness, ideology, ignorance, superstition, or personality aspects like being a hypocrite or behaving subserviently or even stuff like being sociopathic or psychopathic. The strange thing is that narcissists and megalomaniacs don't bother me. Gay people don't bother me. People of other races and cultures don't bother me provided there isn't a direct social clash that makes things uncomfortable in my cultural upbringing. So, I stay alone and have cultivated a career where I can make money from the shadows. Of course, I get really lonely in this lifestyle, so I made an effort to get a girlfriend and a few friends. However, I wanted it long-distance, because my social skills are so dull I needed to ease into a relationship. I seem to have big issues with trusting people, and I don't think this latest excursion has helped. If anything it has probably added a bunch of new fuel to the fire.