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Bear Story
Monday, May 16th, 2011 at 1:32:07am UTC 

  1. I awoke slowly, in something of a daze.  Vision blurred and head aching, I tried to piece together the events that led to my current state.  I closed my eyes in an effort to block out the uselessly blurred light.  In the darkness behind my eyelids, shapes and colors ambled around, briefly becoming coherent in the shape of a small hairy midget surrounded by wonderful colors.  A little more effort, and...
  2.  
  3. "A talking donkey with magic beans," I mumbled aloud, eyes still closed.
  4.  
  5. "Derek."
  6.  
  7. "Yes, that sounds right."
  8.  
  9. "Nice chap, for a donkey.  They can be real jackasses, you know."
  10.  
  11. "Har har," I responded mockingly.  I think doing so hurt my head more than his feelings.  This fact brought me to the realization that there was indeed a "he" present.  A "he" with a very deep voice, and an odor akin to a dead dog which had been marinating in a pine forest for a few weeks.
  12.  
  13. I opened my eyes, pushing through the pain in order to find out who I had the pleasure of being company to.  As I looked in the direction of the voice, God's only mercy was that my vision took some time to resolve itself.  In retrospect, I think that is the only way of cushioning the blow of finding that you are sharing the room with a 9 foot tall, monocled, top-hat wearing bear.
  14.  
  15. I paused momentarily, and then paused some more.  I felt that pausing after that would be a pretty good idea too, and so that's exactly what I did.
  16.  
  17. "The name is Roger.  Charmed, I'm sure," said the bear.  I continued to pause as he took a sip from a teacup, held on one of his many huge claws.  The teacup looked tiny when viewed in the context of being held by a bear.
  18.  
  19. I closed my eyes for a couple of seconds, and opened them again.  I had hoped that maneuvering my eyelids in such a fashion would rearrange reality into something a little more palatable.  My endeavor was met with little success.
  20.  
  21. "You're... a bear."
  22.  
  23. The bear smiled.  Up until that moment in my life I was not aware that bears could smile, but then I realized I was talking to a very gentlemanly bear and so put my sense of wonderment on the back burner so as not to have it boil over.  "Please, old boy, don't be alarmed," said Roger as he put down his teacup.
  24.  
  25. At that moment I realized there was something I had forgotten to do, which I promptly took care of.
  26.  
  27. The bear clasped his massive paws over his ears as I began to shriek like a 12 year old girl getting to meet Harry Potter (but with a little more terror and a little less pre-pubescent awe).
  28.  
  29. "Please stop that racket," he bellowed, only adding to my problem.  You see, a gentlemanly bear is frightful enough.  A shouting bear goes beyond frightful.  My thighs suddenly felt warm and wet.  I stopped screaming, because when a bear tells you to do something, you bloody well do it.
  30.  
  31. "Ha!  Had to get rid of some of that Guinness, I see," Roger quipped, as I stood in stunned silence.
  32.  
  33. The self-identified Roger grinned, baring his large teeth. "I shan't hurt you," he said. "In fact, old boy, I'm here to make sure you are alright. That blasted hobbit has a tendency of following people home and robbing the place after he knows his mark is ruddy well pissed up. Mischievous little sod, he is."
  34.  
  35. The grizzly picked up his teacup again and took a sip. We both sat in silence for a few moments. Him savoring his hot beverage, and me in total befuddlement. Roger looked over at me again.
  36.  
  37. "You know, I've been doing this for a while, and I do believe you are the first human to have actually lost control of his bladder during one of my visits," he said, with a somewhat bemused air. I looked down at my soaked jeans.
  38.  
  39. "This is a very unusual situation, and I'd like to take a few moments to collect myself so I can fully comprehend what is actually happening right now," I said. Or, at least, that's what I said in the alternate universe that is my imagination. Back in the real world, I mumbled "The fuck?"
  40.  
  41. I quickly realized my attention was no longer fixed on the one-ton maiming machine that had now somehow squeezed itself into the armchair 10 feet away from me. Believing this to be an error in judgment, I once again gave my undivided attention to Roger. I breathed deeply for a few seconds as he looked into his teacup, lightly swirling it around.
  42.  
  43. "So, let me... get this..." my voice trailed off, as Roger looked up at me and locked his eyes on mine. I took another breath and continued. "Let me get this straight, you're a bear, and you are drinking tea in my living room? And you came here to protect my home from burglary by a denizen of Middle Earth?"
  44.  
  45. Roger finished his beverage and set the cup down on the coffee table. "That about sums it up. I should really be taking my leave, actually. It seems that the hobbit won't be dropping by."
  46.  
  47. I watched as Roger skilfully extracted himself from the chair, raising up to as close to full height as my ceiling would allow.
  48.  
  49. In a sudden outburst of manners, I thought it fitting that I show my appreciation for the protection - however ultimately unnecessary - of the forest creature. "Well, I guess, umm. Thanks are in order. Roger." I awkwardly said.
  50.  
  51. "You're quite welcome old chap. I don't have much to occupy myself with during the week. I was somewhat bored anyway," he explained. Roger ambled towards the front door and reached for the handle, dwarfing it in his massive paw. With amazing dexterity, he turned the knob and pulled open the door. He looked out of the open doorway as he motioned to leave, and stopped in his tracks. "My my," he said.
  52.  
  53. "What's going..." I began to ask, but I was cut off mid-sentence by a very small shout.
  54.  
  55. "You big furry bastard! I swear to Gandalf, you won't get away with it this time," came the holler.
  56.  
  57. I briefly weighed the advantages and disadvantages of getting any closer to Roger, whose huge frame was filling the doorway and thus blocking my view of who the voice belonged to. I decided I would stay out of paw's reach, as I had an inkling that I already knew who was on the other side of the bear, who was surprisingly quiet. He seemed rather taken aback at the situation. It's a strange feeling, seeing a talking bear struck speechless. Of all of the talking animals, you would think a bear would be the last one at a loss for words. You'd think it would at least always be able to fall back on "fuck you, I'm a bear".
  58.  
  59. The small voice continued, "Where is it? I know you have it. Turn it over, right now. Come on, be quick with it!", it demanded.
  60.  
  61. Roger found his voice. "Oh, Ed, come now. Let's be gentlemen about this," he said. He almost sounded like he was pleading. He took a few steps backward, opening the doorway up just enough for a very small, very hairy, and very dirty man to attempt to push past. The hobbit no doubt intended it to be a push, but it ended up more as a squeeze due to the fact that Roger probably weighed 50 times as much as him.
  62.  
  63. The tiny man looked up at Roger, who was staring back down. Both looked very uncomfortable straining their necks to meet the other's gaze. Ed the hobbit pointed an accusatory finger at Roger, by way of extending the first finger on his right hand and raising it above his head. He inhaled deeply, no doubt getting himself ready for another salvo of shouting.
  64.  
  65. "WAIT" I shouted. "I've got a fucking headache, so PLEASE. Shut up for a moment. What the hell is going on here? Ed? Is that your name? Why are you here? Why is he here? Just, someone tell me something. Please." Neither of them moved an inch, both staying transfixed on each other. My brain pulsated with pain from the combined effect of shouting and trying to figure out what was happening.
  66.  
  67. Ed exhaled. "It will all become clear soon, mate. Now, where is it?" he again asked Roger.
  68.  
  69. "Really, my good man, is this really necessary?" said Roger as Ed eyed him up and down. The hobbit looked like he was contemplating something for a few moments, before seeming to make his mind up. He turned and looked around the room, then walked over to the coffee table, picked up the teacup, and again took his place a couple of feet in front of the bear.
  70.  
  71. The hobbit lifted the cup in front of his mouth, breathed on the white china, and rubbed it on the front of his dirt-stained shirt. The cup was brought back behind his head and was tossed at the bear's head with all his might. This sounds much more impressive than it actually was. A teacup quickly loses a lot of inertia when it is thrown 8 feet vertically by a midget. It did, however, lightly strike it's intended target, knocking off Roger's top-hat which landed on the floor shortly before the tea-cup smashed onto the tile. As I looked back up at Roger, I saw something sitting atop his head.
  72.  
  73. The bear's eyes rotated upward, his head staying perfectly still. "What is it that those commoners say? Something to the effect of 'It`s a fair cop, guvnor'?" he chuckled uneasily.
  74.  
  75. Ed looked smug, still looking intensely into the bear's eyes. "I bloody well knew it! I'm not the half the daft bugger you take me for. Hand it over," he instructed. Roger reached up on top of his head and grabbed the object, and tossed it towards me. It landed with a thud in front of me. It was my wallet. "He's into the identity theft business. This bear has more names than a stripper with multiple personality disorder," said Ed. Roger hung his head in shame. The hobbit took another sharp breath before putting on his "big" voice again.
  76.  
  77. "OUT WITH YOU. GO ON," Ed shouted as he gestured to the open door. "The wizards are waiting for you, so don't you try anything!"
  78.  
  79. Roger sighed and turned to look at me. "I do apologize, my boy," he said sullenly.
  80.  
  81. I looked down at my wallet again. "It's... OK?" I responded. I think Ed and Roger took it as a statement, but it really was a question. I wanted someone to tell me exactly what had just transpired, and whether it really was OK or not. Roger turned towards the door, ducked to avoid the top of the frame, and walked outside.
  82.  
  83. Ed raised his hand to the nape of his neck and began massaging it in an effort to loosen the strained muscles.
  84.  
  85. "Didn't the donkey tell you?" he asked. I began to shake my head, but then it all fell into place.
  86.  
  87. "Beware the bear," I said.
  88.  
  89. "Beware the bear," Ed confirmed as he turned and walked out of the door, pulling it closed behind him.
  90.  
  91. I forgot to move for a while after they left. Moving was the last thing on my mind at that time, neglecting even the simple act of picking up my wallet. When I finally felt confident enough in reality to put my motive abilities to some use, I walked into the kitchen and opened the refridgerator. There was a can of Guinness left, which I grabbed and opened without hesitation.
  92.  
  93. "I need a beer," I said to myself.  I looked down.  "Oh yeah, and clean pants."

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